So I'm drunk. At least, I'm pretty sure I am. Anyone else, they might have more evidence on their blog of drunkeness. I'm too proud to show it. Plus, when I'm too drunk to type I'm probably too drunk to be upright or concious. I'm looking at the last word of the last sentence and thinking it looks mispelled.
Sex is still a disappointment while drunk. While I'm more interested in it while lubricated with alcohol, it still is just as effective as normal- namely, just about no sensation. Is that a reason to get divorced, crappy sex? And actually, I'm only more interested in it with my husband while drunk, so I guess that's a bad sigh. Grrrr.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Monday, March 17, 2008
Too smart
My husband should have married someone stupider.
He does this thing, when asked a question that he doesn't want to answer, where he rambles off on tangents and then acts like he's answered my question and I'm stupid to not have realized it. Granted, it also tends to ramble off on tangents even when he has no particular issue with the question, but that's just him. The man would drive the administrator of a lie detector test insane because of his inability to answer yes/no questions with either a yes or a no.
He's decided to build himself a new computer. OK, fine, whatever, I just don't care anymore. Today the case for it arrived, a big shiny thing with multiple fans, a clear side, a shiny door with a 'cool' look, and the capability to be taken completely apart. I asked, why does he need a new case. It's not as if there's anything wrong with the old one. He rambled on and on about how he needs a new case because he's building a new computer. But since he's planning to recycle parts from the old one, why is the new case necessary? He then started saying he needs it because he's giving me his old motherboard and processor. Again, nice, but why does he need a new case? The question was never answered.
Later in the evening he put his arms around me and asked why I'm not mad that he's buying himself parts for a new computer. I've gotten angry at him before because he yells at me that I should get a job because we're poor, then goes off and buys himself completely unnecessary and luxurious toys. Meanwhile, I'm clipping coupons and buying myself only what I consider to be fairly necessary. Fun, huh? I gave him the answer that's true: I just don't care anymore. I feel emotionally dead to a lot of what he does now.
As I thought about it, though, I started to get a little angry. He thought something was going to upset me, and he went and did it anyway and gleefully watched for me to snap at him. He only thought something was wrong when I didn't get angry. To me, getting angry means something is wrong. I don't like being angry, but unfortunately it only gets through to Rob that I'm upset if I'm either shrieking, yelling or crying. I don't like doing either three and would prefer to discuss things calmly, but when I do that he doesn't take it seriously. So to actually deliberately provoke my anger? Unacceptable.
I finally figured out why he ordered a new case: it is unnecessary. He just wanted a fun toy to play with, a cool case that he can take apart and put back together and generally feel special for having. I told him this and he admitted it. I just wish he would have answered my question straight in the first place. That irritates me more than him actually buying the damn thing. That, and trying to provoke me. As I said, he needs a stupider wife.
He does this thing, when asked a question that he doesn't want to answer, where he rambles off on tangents and then acts like he's answered my question and I'm stupid to not have realized it. Granted, it also tends to ramble off on tangents even when he has no particular issue with the question, but that's just him. The man would drive the administrator of a lie detector test insane because of his inability to answer yes/no questions with either a yes or a no.
He's decided to build himself a new computer. OK, fine, whatever, I just don't care anymore. Today the case for it arrived, a big shiny thing with multiple fans, a clear side, a shiny door with a 'cool' look, and the capability to be taken completely apart. I asked, why does he need a new case. It's not as if there's anything wrong with the old one. He rambled on and on about how he needs a new case because he's building a new computer. But since he's planning to recycle parts from the old one, why is the new case necessary? He then started saying he needs it because he's giving me his old motherboard and processor. Again, nice, but why does he need a new case? The question was never answered.
Later in the evening he put his arms around me and asked why I'm not mad that he's buying himself parts for a new computer. I've gotten angry at him before because he yells at me that I should get a job because we're poor, then goes off and buys himself completely unnecessary and luxurious toys. Meanwhile, I'm clipping coupons and buying myself only what I consider to be fairly necessary. Fun, huh? I gave him the answer that's true: I just don't care anymore. I feel emotionally dead to a lot of what he does now.
As I thought about it, though, I started to get a little angry. He thought something was going to upset me, and he went and did it anyway and gleefully watched for me to snap at him. He only thought something was wrong when I didn't get angry. To me, getting angry means something is wrong. I don't like being angry, but unfortunately it only gets through to Rob that I'm upset if I'm either shrieking, yelling or crying. I don't like doing either three and would prefer to discuss things calmly, but when I do that he doesn't take it seriously. So to actually deliberately provoke my anger? Unacceptable.
I finally figured out why he ordered a new case: it is unnecessary. He just wanted a fun toy to play with, a cool case that he can take apart and put back together and generally feel special for having. I told him this and he admitted it. I just wish he would have answered my question straight in the first place. That irritates me more than him actually buying the damn thing. That, and trying to provoke me. As I said, he needs a stupider wife.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Bye bye friend
How do you know when to just drop a friendship? I am so bad at making and keeping friends. Somehow, unless I have a reason to see somebody, like class or work, I never keep in touch. It isn't all my fault, either. I try to ask people to do things with me, to come over for a party, stuff like that. It doesn't happen. I can only assume the problem is me, since other people don't have the issue with this that I do.
Recently I email a friend who I haven't seen in a long time. Actually, she was the maid of honor at my wedding and someone who I was very close to for a couple of years, probably because we worked together. Anyway, I said I missed her and would like to get together, maybe for lunch or coffee or something. She emailed back, saying she missed me too and would like to get together. When? So I emailed her again, saying that my schedule was open because I'm currently unemployed and to let me know when is best for her. She never emailed back. A week later I emailed her, saying my schedule had changed and that Saturdays were bad for me. Still haven't heard a thing.
Maybe I should have replied with a specific date and time, instead of leaving it open-ended for her convenience. But when I do that, I sometimes get cancelled on. Also, is it really a friendship if you have to do all the work of getting together? Right now I'm just on the lookout for people who I can do things with, people with whom I have things in common. I know part of the problem is that Rob and I have been attached at the hip for so long, but I didn't hang out with friends a lot either before I started dating him. If I do manage to hang out more with friends, it might help with our marriage and the fact that I feel like I see Rob far too much.
Recently I email a friend who I haven't seen in a long time. Actually, she was the maid of honor at my wedding and someone who I was very close to for a couple of years, probably because we worked together. Anyway, I said I missed her and would like to get together, maybe for lunch or coffee or something. She emailed back, saying she missed me too and would like to get together. When? So I emailed her again, saying that my schedule was open because I'm currently unemployed and to let me know when is best for her. She never emailed back. A week later I emailed her, saying my schedule had changed and that Saturdays were bad for me. Still haven't heard a thing.
Maybe I should have replied with a specific date and time, instead of leaving it open-ended for her convenience. But when I do that, I sometimes get cancelled on. Also, is it really a friendship if you have to do all the work of getting together? Right now I'm just on the lookout for people who I can do things with, people with whom I have things in common. I know part of the problem is that Rob and I have been attached at the hip for so long, but I didn't hang out with friends a lot either before I started dating him. If I do manage to hang out more with friends, it might help with our marriage and the fact that I feel like I see Rob far too much.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Marriage future
Tonight I flat-out asked my husband if he's afraid I'll leave him if I lose weight and become more attractive. My response was that my size wouldn't matter if I was going to leave. I don't think it reassured him much. However, it does explain why he used to sabotage my diet efforts.
I also laid out my plans for the future. I have a line on a job that I really hope I get. As a friend said, I can't really judge my marriage when our lives have been full of upheaval for the last year. I also think I can't fairly judge when I'm not employed. Part of my issue is how Rob has been treating me because he thinks I'm mooching off of him. It's not right, how he's been, but it's an easy fix too.
Once I have a job, I'll ask for marriage counseling. When I asked for it before, he said "We don't need counseling. Our problem is that you don't have a job." Him actually saying that hurt and shocked me so badly that I couldn't say anything. He now says he doesn't remember saying it. But if he doesn't have anything big to complain about and have as a reason for a dismissive attitude (although it's definitely not an excuse for his attitude), then I can judge fairly on what to do.
He keeps saying that me having a job will help with our future. But it's not our future he's thinking of, it's what he wants to do with his future. He hasn't changed his plans except to keep working at his job and not quitting out of the blue because he needs the money. He hasn't been offered any other jobs, so as of right now he doesn't have anything to complain about in that aspect. Basically, I'm putting off what I want to do so he can be happy and do what he wants to do. It might be fair if he wasn't making me unhappy in the bargain.
He pretty much knows now how I feel on these things. It's finally been brought home to him that I've stopped trying or really caring that much. I don't want to hurt him, but I don't care about helping him either. I guess as long as I don't actively complain he feels everything is A-OK. Imagine me heaving a gusty sigh.
I also laid out my plans for the future. I have a line on a job that I really hope I get. As a friend said, I can't really judge my marriage when our lives have been full of upheaval for the last year. I also think I can't fairly judge when I'm not employed. Part of my issue is how Rob has been treating me because he thinks I'm mooching off of him. It's not right, how he's been, but it's an easy fix too.
Once I have a job, I'll ask for marriage counseling. When I asked for it before, he said "We don't need counseling. Our problem is that you don't have a job." Him actually saying that hurt and shocked me so badly that I couldn't say anything. He now says he doesn't remember saying it. But if he doesn't have anything big to complain about and have as a reason for a dismissive attitude (although it's definitely not an excuse for his attitude), then I can judge fairly on what to do.
He keeps saying that me having a job will help with our future. But it's not our future he's thinking of, it's what he wants to do with his future. He hasn't changed his plans except to keep working at his job and not quitting out of the blue because he needs the money. He hasn't been offered any other jobs, so as of right now he doesn't have anything to complain about in that aspect. Basically, I'm putting off what I want to do so he can be happy and do what he wants to do. It might be fair if he wasn't making me unhappy in the bargain.
He pretty much knows now how I feel on these things. It's finally been brought home to him that I've stopped trying or really caring that much. I don't want to hurt him, but I don't care about helping him either. I guess as long as I don't actively complain he feels everything is A-OK. Imagine me heaving a gusty sigh.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Two steps forward, many steps back
This week was really rough for dieting. It started off promising, with my usual weekly dinner out with my dad coming in at 9 grams of fat instead of being way over. Hooray! But then I suggested to my husband that we have lunch together on Thursday, since he had class that night and I thought it would be nice to do something special for Valentine's Day. I really wasn't thinking of doing anything huge, just meet up. I even offered to make a lunch and bring it, but he decided that he wanted to eat out. Then he decided he wanted to eat out at a place that does hamburgers and malts. Really, they don't have too much else. Oh, I suppose I could have ordered a salad. But really, eat a salad while Rob devours a cheeseburger in front of me? So I had a hamburger and since I was splurging anyway, I had a malt. We can't split a malt since he always orders the same flavor that I do not like and they don't do half sizes there. I tried not to eat anything else all day and just couldn't do it. That evening I went nuts and ate a whole bunch of bread with spread. Not good.
Saturday we went out to my father's for the day. Lunch was pancakes, sausage and fruit. I had half a sausage patty with four pancakes and far too much syrup. Although bisquick mix has a surprising amount of fat in it, the real diet killer there was the syrup and the sugar in it. I had almost packed sandwich supplies but thought I could manage. For dinner my dad tossed some ribs in the oven. Not only do I not like ribs, they are a definite diet no-no. The sides were instant potatoes and green beans. I made the potatoes to recipe since I wasn't the main diner so there was far more margarine in them than I would have liked. Then the frozen green beans came packaged with lumps of butter. Ew. I had a small portion of each of the sides for dinner and felt disgusting.
Sunday started off OK with my usual sandwich, but then family called and asked if we'd like to have dinner. Since I don't get to see them very much, this was a great idea. BTW, the Olive Garden doesn't have too many healthy options. I don't care for their marinara sauce, I don't like minestrone soup and I don't eat shrimp. This cut down my options even further. I just gave up and had a bowl of soup, two breadsticks and half my garlic chicken entree. Horrible horrible day. If I'd known before I ate lunch that I was going out, I probably would have eaten less to try and make up for it. To top it all off, I've developed a migraine and so am not happy right now.
I have to remind myself to take this one day at a time and then this week is just a small setback. I feel like I've been so good that these food splurges were a big discouragement. Then I have even more issues I didn't think of- when I visit family, is it OK to bring my own lunch stuff? I can't do the less than 15 grams thing on the usual meals without eating miniscule amounts of food, which will seriously not work. It might be politer to just forget my diet for a weekend, but the whole point of this diet is that there is no excuses. If I allow myself splurges, like I did this week, I'll find all sorts of reasons to eat things I ought not.
Since I'm hoping to join a Curves soon, maybe working out will help me stay on track and feel better about myself.
Saturday we went out to my father's for the day. Lunch was pancakes, sausage and fruit. I had half a sausage patty with four pancakes and far too much syrup. Although bisquick mix has a surprising amount of fat in it, the real diet killer there was the syrup and the sugar in it. I had almost packed sandwich supplies but thought I could manage. For dinner my dad tossed some ribs in the oven. Not only do I not like ribs, they are a definite diet no-no. The sides were instant potatoes and green beans. I made the potatoes to recipe since I wasn't the main diner so there was far more margarine in them than I would have liked. Then the frozen green beans came packaged with lumps of butter. Ew. I had a small portion of each of the sides for dinner and felt disgusting.
Sunday started off OK with my usual sandwich, but then family called and asked if we'd like to have dinner. Since I don't get to see them very much, this was a great idea. BTW, the Olive Garden doesn't have too many healthy options. I don't care for their marinara sauce, I don't like minestrone soup and I don't eat shrimp. This cut down my options even further. I just gave up and had a bowl of soup, two breadsticks and half my garlic chicken entree. Horrible horrible day. If I'd known before I ate lunch that I was going out, I probably would have eaten less to try and make up for it. To top it all off, I've developed a migraine and so am not happy right now.
I have to remind myself to take this one day at a time and then this week is just a small setback. I feel like I've been so good that these food splurges were a big discouragement. Then I have even more issues I didn't think of- when I visit family, is it OK to bring my own lunch stuff? I can't do the less than 15 grams thing on the usual meals without eating miniscule amounts of food, which will seriously not work. It might be politer to just forget my diet for a weekend, but the whole point of this diet is that there is no excuses. If I allow myself splurges, like I did this week, I'll find all sorts of reasons to eat things I ought not.
Since I'm hoping to join a Curves soon, maybe working out will help me stay on track and feel better about myself.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Dream a little
I had a sex dream the other night. As usual, it was about a guy to whom I am not normally attracted. I mean, I just don't think of that guy like that! But that's par for the course for these sorts of things with me.
I don't know how it is with other people, but sex in my dreams is much better than can probably be achieved in real life. It started out really great, but then just wound up bad. I couldn't understand it- it was MY dream. It kinda pissed me off. I can't even have great sex in my dreams anymore.
I don't know how it is with other people, but sex in my dreams is much better than can probably be achieved in real life. It started out really great, but then just wound up bad. I couldn't understand it- it was MY dream. It kinda pissed me off. I can't even have great sex in my dreams anymore.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Gender roles reversed
Last night when my husband called from the road, I asked him if he was coming home first or if he was heading straight to class. He answered 'I'm on ________ Road.' I paused and asked the question again. This is a pattern with him. I ask a simple either/or question, and he gives a third answer that he apparently thinks indicates which one it is. Usually, it doesn't without me having to either ask further questions or think about what he said.
Also, for some reason he thinks that when I don't understand something he said, if he repeats it louder and slower I'll get it. I wasn't that I didn't hear what he said, I simply didn't understand what he meant by it. He has a tendancy to say a simple sentence that doesn't contain all the pertinent information, and then get upset when I ask questions to clarify his meaning or to find out what exactly is going on. I'm often reduced to explaining that I am not a mind-reader and he has to speak what he's thinking.
Isn't it funny that, as the women, I'm the one who is expected to know what he wants while I'm the one who explicitly states my needs?
Also, for some reason he thinks that when I don't understand something he said, if he repeats it louder and slower I'll get it. I wasn't that I didn't hear what he said, I simply didn't understand what he meant by it. He has a tendancy to say a simple sentence that doesn't contain all the pertinent information, and then get upset when I ask questions to clarify his meaning or to find out what exactly is going on. I'm often reduced to explaining that I am not a mind-reader and he has to speak what he's thinking.
Isn't it funny that, as the women, I'm the one who is expected to know what he wants while I'm the one who explicitly states my needs?
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