Bye bye friend

How do you know when to just drop a friendship? I am so bad at making and keeping friends. Somehow, unless I have a reason to see somebody, like class or work, I never keep in touch. It isn't all my fault, either. I try to ask people to do things with me, to come over for a party, stuff like that. It doesn't happen. I can only assume the problem is me, since other people don't have the issue with this that I do.

Recently I email a friend who I haven't seen in a long time. Actually, she was the maid of honor at my wedding and someone who I was very close to for a couple of years, probably because we worked together. Anyway, I said I missed her and would like to get together, maybe for lunch or coffee or something. She emailed back, saying she missed me too and would like to get together. When? So I emailed her again, saying that my schedule was open because I'm currently unemployed and to let me know when is best for her. She never emailed back. A week later I emailed her, saying my schedule had changed and that Saturdays were bad for me. Still haven't heard a thing.

Maybe I should have replied with a specific date and time, instead of leaving it open-ended for her convenience. But when I do that, I sometimes get cancelled on. Also, is it really a friendship if you have to do all the work of getting together? Right now I'm just on the lookout for people who I can do things with, people with whom I have things in common. I know part of the problem is that Rob and I have been attached at the hip for so long, but I didn't hang out with friends a lot either before I started dating him. If I do manage to hang out more with friends, it might help with our marriage and the fact that I feel like I see Rob far too much.

Marriage future

Tonight I flat-out asked my husband if he's afraid I'll leave him if I lose weight and become more attractive. My response was that my size wouldn't matter if I was going to leave. I don't think it reassured him much. However, it does explain why he used to sabotage my diet efforts.

I also laid out my plans for the future. I have a line on a job that I really hope I get. As a friend said, I can't really judge my marriage when our lives have been full of upheaval for the last year. I also think I can't fairly judge when I'm not employed. Part of my issue is how Rob has been treating me because he thinks I'm mooching off of him. It's not right, how he's been, but it's an easy fix too.

Once I have a job, I'll ask for marriage counseling. When I asked for it before, he said "We don't need counseling. Our problem is that you don't have a job." Him actually saying that hurt and shocked me so badly that I couldn't say anything. He now says he doesn't remember saying it. But if he doesn't have anything big to complain about and have as a reason for a dismissive attitude (although it's definitely not an excuse for his attitude), then I can judge fairly on what to do.

He keeps saying that me having a job will help with our future. But it's not our future he's thinking of, it's what he wants to do with his future. He hasn't changed his plans except to keep working at his job and not quitting out of the blue because he needs the money. He hasn't been offered any other jobs, so as of right now he doesn't have anything to complain about in that aspect. Basically, I'm putting off what I want to do so he can be happy and do what he wants to do. It might be fair if he wasn't making me unhappy in the bargain.

He pretty much knows now how I feel on these things. It's finally been brought home to him that I've stopped trying or really caring that much. I don't want to hurt him, but I don't care about helping him either. I guess as long as I don't actively complain he feels everything is A-OK. Imagine me heaving a gusty sigh.

Two steps forward, many steps back

This week was really rough for dieting. It started off promising, with my usual weekly dinner out with my dad coming in at 9 grams of fat instead of being way over. Hooray! But then I suggested to my husband that we have lunch together on Thursday, since he had class that night and I thought it would be nice to do something special for Valentine's Day. I really wasn't thinking of doing anything huge, just meet up. I even offered to make a lunch and bring it, but he decided that he wanted to eat out. Then he decided he wanted to eat out at a place that does hamburgers and malts. Really, they don't have too much else. Oh, I suppose I could have ordered a salad. But really, eat a salad while Rob devours a cheeseburger in front of me? So I had a hamburger and since I was splurging anyway, I had a malt. We can't split a malt since he always orders the same flavor that I do not like and they don't do half sizes there. I tried not to eat anything else all day and just couldn't do it. That evening I went nuts and ate a whole bunch of bread with spread. Not good.

Saturday we went out to my father's for the day. Lunch was pancakes, sausage and fruit. I had half a sausage patty with four pancakes and far too much syrup. Although bisquick mix has a surprising amount of fat in it, the real diet killer there was the syrup and the sugar in it. I had almost packed sandwich supplies but thought I could manage. For dinner my dad tossed some ribs in the oven. Not only do I not like ribs, they are a definite diet no-no. The sides were instant potatoes and green beans. I made the potatoes to recipe since I wasn't the main diner so there was far more margarine in them than I would have liked. Then the frozen green beans came packaged with lumps of butter. Ew. I had a small portion of each of the sides for dinner and felt disgusting.

Sunday started off OK with my usual sandwich, but then family called and asked if we'd like to have dinner. Since I don't get to see them very much, this was a great idea. BTW, the Olive Garden doesn't have too many healthy options. I don't care for their marinara sauce, I don't like minestrone soup and I don't eat shrimp. This cut down my options even further. I just gave up and had a bowl of soup, two breadsticks and half my garlic chicken entree. Horrible horrible day. If I'd known before I ate lunch that I was going out, I probably would have eaten less to try and make up for it. To top it all off, I've developed a migraine and so am not happy right now.

I have to remind myself to take this one day at a time and then this week is just a small setback. I feel like I've been so good that these food splurges were a big discouragement. Then I have even more issues I didn't think of- when I visit family, is it OK to bring my own lunch stuff? I can't do the less than 15 grams thing on the usual meals without eating miniscule amounts of food, which will seriously not work. It might be politer to just forget my diet for a weekend, but the whole point of this diet is that there is no excuses. If I allow myself splurges, like I did this week, I'll find all sorts of reasons to eat things I ought not.

Since I'm hoping to join a Curves soon, maybe working out will help me stay on track and feel better about myself.

Dream a little

I had a sex dream the other night. As usual, it was about a guy to whom I am not normally attracted. I mean, I just don't think of that guy like that! But that's par for the course for these sorts of things with me.

I don't know how it is with other people, but sex in my dreams is much better than can probably be achieved in real life. It started out really great, but then just wound up bad. I couldn't understand it- it was MY dream. It kinda pissed me off. I can't even have great sex in my dreams anymore.

Gender roles reversed

Last night when my husband called from the road, I asked him if he was coming home first or if he was heading straight to class. He answered 'I'm on ________ Road.' I paused and asked the question again. This is a pattern with him. I ask a simple either/or question, and he gives a third answer that he apparently thinks indicates which one it is. Usually, it doesn't without me having to either ask further questions or think about what he said.

Also, for some reason he thinks that when I don't understand something he said, if he repeats it louder and slower I'll get it. I wasn't that I didn't hear what he said, I simply didn't understand what he meant by it. He has a tendancy to say a simple sentence that doesn't contain all the pertinent information, and then get upset when I ask questions to clarify his meaning or to find out what exactly is going on. I'm often reduced to explaining that I am not a mind-reader and he has to speak what he's thinking.

Isn't it funny that, as the women, I'm the one who is expected to know what he wants while I'm the one who explicitly states my needs?

Overthinking

Things have gotten better between Rob and me. I should be happy about this, but I can't help but feel unease at the reason WHY it's better.

Ever since the semester has began, Ron hasn't been home most nights. The one weeknight he is home, we tend to have dinner with my dad. Plus, he's been gone one weekend and I've been working on Saturday on another. In other words, we don't see each other much anymore and I'm happy about it.

This could just mean we both need to have more of a life outside of each other. I know that to make a marriage work we need to have outside interests, but Rob seems to resent any time I spend away from him doing things I enjoy. However, with him being the one gone all the time, I have nothing to complain about. In fact, I like it. I find his presence stressful, which just shouldn't be the case with the man I love.

Maybe I'm overthinking this, which god knows could be the case. I overthink everything. I can't make a decision without researching the options. Maybe I should just accept that we're happier when we don't spend so much time together. I think that with him absent so much, he doesn't have as much of a chance to get on my nerves. Aaargh! I should just go with what makes me happy and not think about the implications.

Two steps forward, one step back

I think I'm substituting sleeping for eating, which can't be right. I've been sleeping longer and taking more naps, so basically I'm awake for about 12 hours a day. I'm pretty sure this isn't healthy. Thing is, when I sleep my hunger doesn't bother me. I can go to bed a little hungry and wake a little hungry. Isn't our digestive system supposed to slow down when we sleep? Maybe this is my body's way of coping with calorie and fat restrictions. I know the next step is to get active, but it's hard to get myself to take a walk when all I want to do is curl up and snooze away.

All I need to know about the men in my life, I learned from the cartoons

OK, it's an exaggeration. But only a little.

My father is a living, breathing version of Homer Simpson. Alright, so he's smarter than Homer. Last time I checked he wouldn't fall for a trap with a pie as bait. But a lot of Homer's personality traits are incredibly similar to his. In fact, last time my husband started telling me about my dad, my first thought was 'What dumbass thing has he done now?'

My husband is all too close to Peter Griffin. The main similarities are immaturity and insensitivity towards others. It honestly does not occur to my husband that if he says something nasty about something I've worked to do, it'll hurt my feelings. I can forgive some of it, but part of growing up is developing a sense of how your actions will affect others. If you can't learn to think of it, you are immature and inconsiderate.

Lucky for me, my brother resembles neither Chris or Stewie Griffin and isn't at all like Bart Simpson. His personality is too normal to be a cartoon character, I guess. Chuck Bartowski in 'Chuck', yeah, but not nearly over-the-top enough for anything but a sitcom.

No effort

Other than telling Rob the story of Saturday night and warning him that the new neighbor seems to have a thing for him, we didn't really have too much conversation Sunday night. He's planning to be out of town this weekend too and it doesn't bother me one bit.

Part of this is my resolve to just not try anymore. I used to put an effort into things- meals, activities, little special treats. I almost always got shot down in flames. To be fair, I don't think Rob intentionally tries to hurt my feelings but he almost always has something not-nice to say about my efforts or he rejects them. Even if I explain how I was trying to do something nice for him, I get the reaction equivalant of a shrug.

I kinda got pissed off at Christmas that I was putting effort into gifts and that he would get partial credit for it. I find myself unable to stop doing things that make US look good to other people. Him, though? He's on his own now. I'm just not gonna try. Well, at least that's what I say. I'm trying to not try, which is hard. My instinct is to try to show affection and love in things I do for him.

But now? The less I do, the less I get hurt and the less I care. I guess if I was truly worried about the state of our marriage I would care. But he's the one who really wants this. He's the committed one. Right now I feel like I could take it or leave it and don't care too much what happens. But the fact that I had to stop showing affection to protect myself within my marriage is awful.

It's been easier lately since he's been more cheerful. He still gets stressed and pissed off but he doesn't take it out on me as much. This is an improvement but it makes me wonder why exactly he's so happy when nothing's changed.

Drama magnet

I had the most disturbing visit last night. I'd gone to bed early because I'd been up early after a night of poor sleep. I was woken by a pounding on our back door. I was sure it was for the kid across the hall, so I ignored it until it happened again. When I answered the door in my robe, I was a bit surprised to see a strange, drunk woman.

Turns out she's half of the couple that moved in two floors below us. She had met my husband when he was downstairs doing laundry and had come searching for him, even though he had told her he would be out of town this weekend. She introduced herself and I politely chatted with her for a while, attempting to bring the conversation to a quick close. No such luck.

After telling me repeatedly how attractive my husband is and how lucky I am, she mentioned that she and her boyfriend were swingers. They also smoke pot and self-evidently drink. Oh, and she's very racist and is happy to have moved to this area because it's very white. She pushed her way into our apartment, wandered around looking at everything, tumbled drunkenly over the couch and stumbled into our bedroom.

Then, she opened her sweater (she was braless) and pulled down her pants and undies because she was telling me how she was trying to lose weight for her boyfriend. After attempting to kiss me many times, she suggested we go lie down on the bed together. When I refused, she wanted me to smoke a cigarette with her. I don't smoke. After trying to kiss me one more time, she finally went back to her apartment but left the smell of sweaty, smoke-marinated drunk woman behind her.

I'm told I attract pushy people because I look too nice. I guess I'm gonna have to cultivate a bitchy look so I don't have to deal with drama again. I warned my husband when he got home, and now I'm almost scared to go downstairs unless I'm leaving the building. I wanna move!