One of the hardest things for me is that I am a picky eater. I have been as long as I can remember. My mother and I used to battle over what I would and would not eat. Eventually, as I got old enough to boil water, she basically cooked whatever she wanted to feed the rest of the family and told me to cook for myself. She did not run a restaurant, as she would say.
OK, that was fine as long as I had an incredibly fast metabolism. Meals consisting of pasta with a bit of parmesan cheese didn't bloat me. Peanut butter sandwiches were fine. I was unusually skinny growing up and part of that was our lifestyle. We frequently took long family bike rides. We all played baseball in the backyard. I don't remember walking a lot, just running.
Fast-forward to today: I do not have a fast metabolism anymore. Part of that is probably getting older, most of it is being inactive and eating too much. On the plus side, I eat probably two or three times as many veggies as I used to. I'm willing to try new foods. I don't like any kind of beans, so that's out. I don't like cooked sweet peppers but also aren't fond of them straight. I eat cooked broccoli but not raw. I ODed on raw carrots and never ate cooked ones.
There's hope, though. I want to try things like cauliflower, fennel bulb, cucumber and mushrooms. I've worked out that if I dice the onions really fine, I can include them in sauces. Also, stir-fries are a great way to cram a lot of veggies into a meal. I love spinach and put it in damn near everything I make. I guess to every parent of a picky eater, I have to say there's hope. My parents' jaws nearly fell off the first time I ordered lamb in a restaurant. I suddenly started eating salad in my early twenties. Hopefully I can work my way to new, healthier meals with my willingness to try different foods.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Not a busy bee
I hate doing housework. Washing dishes sucks. Dusting I kinda like but it's still tedious and time-consuming. Mopping isn't so bad because of how little linoleum and tile we have. I refuse to vacuum. Something about the sound and vibration of a vacuum cleaner really gets on my nerves and makes me stressed and unhappy. Luckily, Rob will do that particular chore for me.
I think I just need to be kept busy, but it has to be something I enjoy. I can't use chores to fulfill my need for activity. I'm trying to make myself go somewhere outside this apartment at least once a day, whether it's just to the corner store for milk or a longer expedition. Getting a job would be fabulous. I really want the one I interviewed for last week, but since I was the first interviewee, it'll be a while before I hear back.
I need to take a class or something, have a planned activity. So far, though, the ones that interest me are either expensive (stained-glass windows) or held during the day. I don't want to commit money to something that employment could interrupt, or truth be told be part of a group of women seeking the same thing I am- activity.
If it weren't so damn cold out, I could get myself walking. Even my insensitive husband isn't so clueless as to encourage me to spend time outside in below-zero weather.
I think I just need to be kept busy, but it has to be something I enjoy. I can't use chores to fulfill my need for activity. I'm trying to make myself go somewhere outside this apartment at least once a day, whether it's just to the corner store for milk or a longer expedition. Getting a job would be fabulous. I really want the one I interviewed for last week, but since I was the first interviewee, it'll be a while before I hear back.
I need to take a class or something, have a planned activity. So far, though, the ones that interest me are either expensive (stained-glass windows) or held during the day. I don't want to commit money to something that employment could interrupt, or truth be told be part of a group of women seeking the same thing I am- activity.
If it weren't so damn cold out, I could get myself walking. Even my insensitive husband isn't so clueless as to encourage me to spend time outside in below-zero weather.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
It depends on how you respond
So tonight, as my husband and I are entwined on the bed kissing, he unexpectedly blows a raspberry into my neck. I've already said quite a bit to him on the subject of untimely immaturity. It might not sound like much, but when you live with stuff like that constantly it gets old real fast.
Anyway, as he grinned at me, I said 'Oh yeah baby, do it to me like that!' in an exaggerated do-me voice. It had the nice effect of discouraging him from ever doing that again without being an actual reproach.
Anyway, as he grinned at me, I said 'Oh yeah baby, do it to me like that!' in an exaggerated do-me voice. It had the nice effect of discouraging him from ever doing that again without being an actual reproach.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Loudmouths
Last night, as my father, brother and husband all devoured pizza that is verboten to me, Rob looked up at me and asked 'Have you taken an Alli pill?' Just opened his big fat mouth and said it! So not only do I have to endure the temptation and the torture of deprivation, I have my husband more or less embarrassing me in front of my family.
That's right, I'm embarrassed to be taking Alli. I wish I could do weight loss without it and feel that it's a last resort. And I'm also embarrassed by my husband, who I just can't tell anything to anymore. Even if I say 'I don't want anyone else to know', he still says it to precisely the person I didn't want him to say it to. He claims that my dad and brother probably don't know what Alli is and that they'll have forgotten he asked me about it. I figure he probably told them already.
That's right, I'm embarrassed to be taking Alli. I wish I could do weight loss without it and feel that it's a last resort. And I'm also embarrassed by my husband, who I just can't tell anything to anymore. Even if I say 'I don't want anyone else to know', he still says it to precisely the person I didn't want him to say it to. He claims that my dad and brother probably don't know what Alli is and that they'll have forgotten he asked me about it. I figure he probably told them already.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Not permanent?
Does anyone else think that this is cheating? That a truly removeable tattoo isn't a real tattoo anymore? I haven't gotten a tattoo yet because they're so permanent. OK, I know, 'real' tattoos mostly can be removed with painful and expensive treatments. To me, part of the attraction of a tattoo was that they were a permanent statement. Somehow, this new ink devalues that.
Never mind the fact that I keep thinking it's too good to be true. All I can think is that the ink will likely degrade with time. Of course, this could be a good thing, so I wouldn't be one of a horde of wrinkled grannies going around with a deformed tattoo.
Never mind the fact that I keep thinking it's too good to be true. All I can think is that the ink will likely degrade with time. Of course, this could be a good thing, so I wouldn't be one of a horde of wrinkled grannies going around with a deformed tattoo.
Friday, January 25, 2008
My life, aka The soap opera (really long post)
My husband and I have not had the greatest year. In addition to stress in our marriage, both of our mothers have passed away this year. His was unexpected, mine was a long, slow decline. Both of them suck about equally. While there was a lot of grieving this year, that I could deal with. It's the sideshow going on involving my father-in-law that's so horrible.
Right before she passed away in late February, Rob and I had booked our cabin on a cruise that his mom had already planned. Rather than cancelling, we (Rob, his dad Bob and I) decided that we were going to continue as a sort of tribute to her. On this cruise, Bob met somebody. We weren't too thrilled by the woman but thought it was a little cute that he had companionship for the last few days of the cruise. What we were really disturbed by was how he behaved once the land portion of our vacation started. He spent all of his time on the phone with her, answering during dinner and basically abandoning us. He broke down, crying and declaring himself in love, after knowing someone three days.
Then, as soon as he gets back he goes and visits her. He takes a sabbatical from his job, the dream part-time one that he was only working during his retirement because he enjoyed it. He decides to move to her state (from north all the way south) to live with her. When Rob visits him, he spends most of his time on the phone with her. He mopes and doesn't do any of the activities that both he and Rob were looking forward to doing together in his retirement. Then he leaves him children alone for both the first Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays without their mother.
Even worse than that, his younger son is having mental health problems. They stem mostly from his mom's sudden death and his dad's essential abandonment. His dad says things like 'Well, I can't help him' or 'Even if I left right now, I still wouldn't be able to get there in time.' Or, he could just be there for him. When we try to discuss this with Bob, he just gets angry and says things like 'You don't want me to be happy!' and 'You're adults.' Yeah, his children want him to be absolutely miserable and since they're over 18 they don't need him ever. Everything right now is about his happiness and how suddenly it is necessary for him to be with this woman to be happy.
Now we find out they're getting married sometime this month. Rob found out by simply googling their name together. It was in a local paper, a matter of public record. His dad has spoken to him twice since then and hasn't mentioned this at all. We just don't understand why they have to be married so soon. It boils down to this: the man declared his love for this woman after knowing her three days. This less than six months after his wife died. He leaves his children alone during rough emotional times. He's getting married secretly less than a year after his wife dies suddenly.
And even if this wasn't bad enough, we're not so sure about this woman. We didn't care too much for her when we met her, mostly because of the 'I'm a poor little woman who needs the help of a big strong man like you!' thing she did, all in a southern accent. She initially lowballed the number of divorces, which is five, and overstated the number of years since her last divorce, which is three. When she was supposed to come up to visit and then drive down with him, she cancelled because the weather MIGHT get bad. She claims one of her husbands died, but it wasn't the first one. We have divorce records for all the other ones, again all a matter of research in public records.
But even if you take all this out of the equation, his behavior towards his family is inexcusable. My husband doesn't plan to let his father know that he knows his dad is married, or gonna be soon. Rob is going to let his dad dig himself deeper into a hole. Rob also doesn't plan to do much to help him anymore, like help with home maintenance. His dad is planning to sell the house soon. What will probably happen in this market is it will sit for sale for a long time, unless he drastically cuts the price. The idea of Bob throwing away a house that Rob's mom worked very hard to get is offensive.
When did all this drama happen? We can't sit and discuss this like ration adults because Bob throws his emotional state around. I understand that he has a right to his own life, but to pretty much reject his own sons in favor of a woman is wrong. To expect his sons to do things for him and to be there for him when he isn't there for them is wrong. It might be true love. Sixth time around might be the charm for this woman. Getting married after knowing someone half-a-year might work. However, the odds are against it and we're not sure what we're gonna do if Bob comes home with his heart broken.
Right before she passed away in late February, Rob and I had booked our cabin on a cruise that his mom had already planned. Rather than cancelling, we (Rob, his dad Bob and I) decided that we were going to continue as a sort of tribute to her. On this cruise, Bob met somebody. We weren't too thrilled by the woman but thought it was a little cute that he had companionship for the last few days of the cruise. What we were really disturbed by was how he behaved once the land portion of our vacation started. He spent all of his time on the phone with her, answering during dinner and basically abandoning us. He broke down, crying and declaring himself in love, after knowing someone three days.
Then, as soon as he gets back he goes and visits her. He takes a sabbatical from his job, the dream part-time one that he was only working during his retirement because he enjoyed it. He decides to move to her state (from north all the way south) to live with her. When Rob visits him, he spends most of his time on the phone with her. He mopes and doesn't do any of the activities that both he and Rob were looking forward to doing together in his retirement. Then he leaves him children alone for both the first Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays without their mother.
Even worse than that, his younger son is having mental health problems. They stem mostly from his mom's sudden death and his dad's essential abandonment. His dad says things like 'Well, I can't help him' or 'Even if I left right now, I still wouldn't be able to get there in time.' Or, he could just be there for him. When we try to discuss this with Bob, he just gets angry and says things like 'You don't want me to be happy!' and 'You're adults.' Yeah, his children want him to be absolutely miserable and since they're over 18 they don't need him ever. Everything right now is about his happiness and how suddenly it is necessary for him to be with this woman to be happy.
Now we find out they're getting married sometime this month. Rob found out by simply googling their name together. It was in a local paper, a matter of public record. His dad has spoken to him twice since then and hasn't mentioned this at all. We just don't understand why they have to be married so soon. It boils down to this: the man declared his love for this woman after knowing her three days. This less than six months after his wife died. He leaves his children alone during rough emotional times. He's getting married secretly less than a year after his wife dies suddenly.
And even if this wasn't bad enough, we're not so sure about this woman. We didn't care too much for her when we met her, mostly because of the 'I'm a poor little woman who needs the help of a big strong man like you!' thing she did, all in a southern accent. She initially lowballed the number of divorces, which is five, and overstated the number of years since her last divorce, which is three. When she was supposed to come up to visit and then drive down with him, she cancelled because the weather MIGHT get bad. She claims one of her husbands died, but it wasn't the first one. We have divorce records for all the other ones, again all a matter of research in public records.
But even if you take all this out of the equation, his behavior towards his family is inexcusable. My husband doesn't plan to let his father know that he knows his dad is married, or gonna be soon. Rob is going to let his dad dig himself deeper into a hole. Rob also doesn't plan to do much to help him anymore, like help with home maintenance. His dad is planning to sell the house soon. What will probably happen in this market is it will sit for sale for a long time, unless he drastically cuts the price. The idea of Bob throwing away a house that Rob's mom worked very hard to get is offensive.
When did all this drama happen? We can't sit and discuss this like ration adults because Bob throws his emotional state around. I understand that he has a right to his own life, but to pretty much reject his own sons in favor of a woman is wrong. To expect his sons to do things for him and to be there for him when he isn't there for them is wrong. It might be true love. Sixth time around might be the charm for this woman. Getting married after knowing someone half-a-year might work. However, the odds are against it and we're not sure what we're gonna do if Bob comes home with his heart broken.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Lost item
So the other night my husband and I discovered we'd lost a box of condoms. Brand new, never-opened entire box. We'd bought it a few weeks ago and apparently it never made it from the bag to our bedroom. It's probably still in the bag somewhere, if the bag hasn't been thrown (cough*Rob*cough). Our apartment isn't that big, but a box of condoms is kinda small. Worst thing is, we've had my brother over a couple of times while this renegade box is just lying around somewhere.
*Update*
The box was behind my computer screen. Yeah.
*Update*
The box was behind my computer screen. Yeah.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Flung myself off
I fell off the wagon in the worst way today. Actually, it wasn't so much falling as deliberately removing myself. Is taking responsibility for my actions better than admitting to loss of self-control?
Anyway, lunch wasn't too bad- caesar salad and a fruit smoothie made with my shiny new hand blender. I nibbled some chips and salsa late in the afternoon. Then, tonight I kept delaying eating because I was going grocery shopping, which was stupid. I always wind up gorging on food that I bought.
Today was no exception, except I limited myself to one savory and one sweet item. I have 3/4 of a thin-crust pizza. The serving size was 1/3 the pizza and was well below 14 grams of fat, not that I was stupid enough to have Alli with my very late dinner. Then, I ate probably six of those horrible cream-filled chocolate cupcakes. Somehow, being full from indulgence doesn't feel as good as it used to. I'm trying to view this as a small aberation in an otherwise encouraging beginning.
Anyway, lunch wasn't too bad- caesar salad and a fruit smoothie made with my shiny new hand blender. I nibbled some chips and salsa late in the afternoon. Then, tonight I kept delaying eating because I was going grocery shopping, which was stupid. I always wind up gorging on food that I bought.
Today was no exception, except I limited myself to one savory and one sweet item. I have 3/4 of a thin-crust pizza. The serving size was 1/3 the pizza and was well below 14 grams of fat, not that I was stupid enough to have Alli with my very late dinner. Then, I ate probably six of those horrible cream-filled chocolate cupcakes. Somehow, being full from indulgence doesn't feel as good as it used to. I'm trying to view this as a small aberation in an otherwise encouraging beginning.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Not full, but still happy
So no Alli today. I had an appointment at noon, so I figured I'd eat that leftover salad after I got home. For breakfast, I had chips and salsa and didn't even think of taking a pill because I was thinking of it as a snack. Since the chips were low-fat (2 grams of fat a serving, people!) it was a decent meal. I just wanted something with flavor. As it was, I wasn't hungry until it got too late in the afternoon to snack before dinner with my dad. We ate around 5, and I'm still full. The meal, Chipotle tacos, wasn't as horrible as some eating-out foods can be but still wasn't exactly what I'd call healthy.
Right now I'm not hungry. It's been four hours since a meal and I don't want to eat anything. I'm not full either. It's an odd feeling for me. I think I'm getting more successful about divorcing food from emotions. It helps that I had activities today, so I'm not just around the house bored. When I was a freshman, I often forgot to eat dinner because I was so busy with schoolwork. I'd just have some oatmeal and call it good. If there was more for me to do right other than housework, maybe things would go better. Damn I need a job.
Right now I'm not hungry. It's been four hours since a meal and I don't want to eat anything. I'm not full either. It's an odd feeling for me. I think I'm getting more successful about divorcing food from emotions. It helps that I had activities today, so I'm not just around the house bored. When I was a freshman, I often forgot to eat dinner because I was so busy with schoolwork. I'd just have some oatmeal and call it good. If there was more for me to do right other than housework, maybe things would go better. Damn I need a job.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Tacos are bad for you
Oh. My. God. Do you know how much fat is in three tortillas from Chipotle? I'm not even including the chicken, cheese or salsa that I'm planning to add to them. I'm also horrified by Baja Sol. The baja-style chicken tacos aren't that bad by themselves, as long as you don't eat the rice or the tortilla chips. It's ridiculous. And I'm sure my dad chose Chipotle because he thought it was a healthy choice. I don't even want to think about it, which is why I won't be taking Alli with my dinner tomorrow night.
More diet crap
I had the first Alli side effect today, but I won't go into details. It actually wasn't that bad but I can really see how it would bother some folks. I didn't take Alli with lunch because my brother wanted to take me out. I could have, but I didn't because I thought I was having both a cup of cream of chicken wild rice soup AND a ceasar salad. I ended up being so full after the soup that the salad is now sitting in the fridge. Maybe I'll save it for tomorrow for lunch, maybe have it tonight and have just a bit of the beef and barley soup cooking in the crock pot right now.
While Alli will help with the fat problem, it doesn't help with my sweet tooth. I have a bad sweet tooth. Did you know it is possible to have a fairly tasty ice cream sundae with chocolate and caramel sauce and still have it fat-free? I know it. And just now I guzzled a bottle of soda because I really really wanted it, and I'm tired and want caffeine. It hasn't helped yet, since all I want to do is curl up and sleep. Maybe getting a job will help with this. I think what will happen is I'll just be really really tired when I'm at home in the evening.
I know that for some people, exercise energizes them. For me, it's enervating plus it makes me hungry. Excuses, excuses but it's true. Maybe I push myself too hard when I go to work out, who knows. I probably won't be doing anything too strenuous with the combo of a whacked knee and a sore ankle, each on opposite legs. My husband thinks both of these are because I'm fat. I think it's because I fell and hit my knee hard last month, and I probably twisted my ankle when I was getting out of bed. I think it's because I'm klutzy.
While Alli will help with the fat problem, it doesn't help with my sweet tooth. I have a bad sweet tooth. Did you know it is possible to have a fairly tasty ice cream sundae with chocolate and caramel sauce and still have it fat-free? I know it. And just now I guzzled a bottle of soda because I really really wanted it, and I'm tired and want caffeine. It hasn't helped yet, since all I want to do is curl up and sleep. Maybe getting a job will help with this. I think what will happen is I'll just be really really tired when I'm at home in the evening.
I know that for some people, exercise energizes them. For me, it's enervating plus it makes me hungry. Excuses, excuses but it's true. Maybe I push myself too hard when I go to work out, who knows. I probably won't be doing anything too strenuous with the combo of a whacked knee and a sore ankle, each on opposite legs. My husband thinks both of these are because I'm fat. I think it's because I fell and hit my knee hard last month, and I probably twisted my ankle when I was getting out of bed. I think it's because I'm klutzy.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Weight loss help
I find my weight somewhat humiliating. On one hand it doesn't bother me too much. Obviously. If it really really bothered me, I'd do something about it. However, I dislike knowing I look bad no matter how nice my hair or clothes are. Also, being out of shape is a problem. I can't do things I used to do without a thought. I'm incredibly lucky that I still have good blood pressure, strength and stamina. I think those have more to do with the fact that it wasn't until the last four years or so I've had a real weight problem, and the twenty-three years before that were spent in excellent shape.
I started on Alli this week. I don't like doing it, I feel like using it is an admission of defeat. This is something I've struggled with for a while, this idea that asking for or using help is saying that I'm not good enough. I've always felt that I should be able to do something on my own. That said, I'm using assistance. I'm cheating a little bit this first week. I'm scared of the side effects, so I'm only using the pill for one meal a day (I really only eat two a day). One big problem is I often don't sit down and eat an actual lunch but snack over the course of a few hours. If I sit down with a meal, I'll be stuff far short of the 15 grams of fat I'm allowed but then am hungry an hour later. I might try taking the pill with the fattiest part of my meal but spacing it out like I usually do.
Also, when I'm restricting my food, I'm so hungry in the evening before I go to bed and I CANNOT sleep when I am starving. In fact, now that I think about it I bet the snack I have before I go to bed is the equivalent of a third meal. I AM aware of what I eat, I just don't want to think about it too much. Plus, when I'm hungry I'm a cranky bitch, my hands shake and I get a headache. It's just so much easier to eat something like a hunk of bread with cheese than to deal.
What's also really really hard for me is watching my husband devour whatever he wants to, right in front of me. He used to yell at me for eating his snacks when they were the only bad food around, but wouldn't take them to work because he wanted to eat them here. For lunch today he had two big doughnuts. Yesterday we went out to dinner with my brother to a place that specializes in hamburgers and malts. Yeah, like I'm gonna eat a salad when my husband and brother are chowing down on nummy cheeseburgers. I'm conflicted about my cooking at home, too. If I cook food that is healthy that I find tasty, my husband complains and whines. If I cook food he wants, I always wind up eating a larger portion than I ought to.
Now that I've started with the Alli, perhaps I can get myself walking or otherwise moving around. I wish I hadn't told my husband about it. He tends to appoint himself the food police for me, even when he's getting chunky around the middle. I think I'm just gonna start cooking for ME, and he can feed himself nasty food as much as he wants to. The fact is, he eats fast food three or more times a week, while I eat fast food maybe once a month. It bothers me that I actually do eat much healthier than a lot of fit people I know. I guess it's just a matter of portion, which I have a hard time controlling.
I don't know if Alli will actually help with not absorbing fat, but I do think it will help with fat ingestions. If I've already taken the pill I won't dare eat more food or suffer the consequences.
I started on Alli this week. I don't like doing it, I feel like using it is an admission of defeat. This is something I've struggled with for a while, this idea that asking for or using help is saying that I'm not good enough. I've always felt that I should be able to do something on my own. That said, I'm using assistance. I'm cheating a little bit this first week. I'm scared of the side effects, so I'm only using the pill for one meal a day (I really only eat two a day). One big problem is I often don't sit down and eat an actual lunch but snack over the course of a few hours. If I sit down with a meal, I'll be stuff far short of the 15 grams of fat I'm allowed but then am hungry an hour later. I might try taking the pill with the fattiest part of my meal but spacing it out like I usually do.
Also, when I'm restricting my food, I'm so hungry in the evening before I go to bed and I CANNOT sleep when I am starving. In fact, now that I think about it I bet the snack I have before I go to bed is the equivalent of a third meal. I AM aware of what I eat, I just don't want to think about it too much. Plus, when I'm hungry I'm a cranky bitch, my hands shake and I get a headache. It's just so much easier to eat something like a hunk of bread with cheese than to deal.
What's also really really hard for me is watching my husband devour whatever he wants to, right in front of me. He used to yell at me for eating his snacks when they were the only bad food around, but wouldn't take them to work because he wanted to eat them here. For lunch today he had two big doughnuts. Yesterday we went out to dinner with my brother to a place that specializes in hamburgers and malts. Yeah, like I'm gonna eat a salad when my husband and brother are chowing down on nummy cheeseburgers. I'm conflicted about my cooking at home, too. If I cook food that is healthy that I find tasty, my husband complains and whines. If I cook food he wants, I always wind up eating a larger portion than I ought to.
Now that I've started with the Alli, perhaps I can get myself walking or otherwise moving around. I wish I hadn't told my husband about it. He tends to appoint himself the food police for me, even when he's getting chunky around the middle. I think I'm just gonna start cooking for ME, and he can feed himself nasty food as much as he wants to. The fact is, he eats fast food three or more times a week, while I eat fast food maybe once a month. It bothers me that I actually do eat much healthier than a lot of fit people I know. I guess it's just a matter of portion, which I have a hard time controlling.
I don't know if Alli will actually help with not absorbing fat, but I do think it will help with fat ingestions. If I've already taken the pill I won't dare eat more food or suffer the consequences.
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