Sleepy

Oooh I'm just so frustrated. If it wasn't enough that I'm damn sure Rob's been reading this blog, I have even more proof. Since I've stopped writing, I've pretty much had one visitor a day to this site....except for the days he was out of town and didn't have access to the internet. Again, Rob, 'fess up. It just pisses me off even more when you can't admit to reading this.

I just couldn't stay away for the last irritation. I had to write to get it out of my system. I have a sleeping problem. I do not fall asleep easily. I can lay there for hours on end. When it was really bad, when I had a lot of stress in my life, I simply didn't sleep at night at all. I would go until I literally was so exhausted I couldn't function anymore and then I would crash. Since this crash would usually come in the afternoon, I would wake up at odd hours and then the next night not be able to go to sleep at a good time because I had slept at a weird time the day before. I've been trying to avoid this cycle but it's hard.

Lately I've been between jobs. This means I don't have a schedule to follow so my immediate reaction is to sleep when I want to sleep and be awake when I want to be awake. Since I'm really a night person, I'm usually up until at least 2 AM and then I sleep until close to noon. My bedtime kept getting later and later, since I didn't really have anything I needed to achieve that couldn't be done in the afternoon and evening.

Finally the cycle caught up with me and I ended up going to bed very early, around 8 PM, and then waking up early around 5 AM. This settled into going to bed around 9-10 and getting up around 5-6. Being a morning person was a new experience for me but I was beginning to enjoy it for the same reasons I liked being a night owl. Very early in the morning our neighborhood is peaceful and there aren't many people or noises around- just like very late at night. I thought this was a good change because I was able to do a lot of things in the morning or the middle of the day.

Rob always disliked my schedule of going to bed late and getting up very late. He had a point- on the weekends he would end up going to bed much earlier than me and then do a whole bunch of stuff while I was still snoozing the morning away. It wasn't fair to him because it wasted the time we had together, plus when we HAD to get up earlier I would be cranky all day from sleep deprivation.

I thought he would like the new early-to-bed schedule better, since it meant I was up and cheery early in the morning, even on weekends. Nope, he doesn't like that either. In fact, he bitched about it to me the other day. It turns out that what he really wants is for me to have the same sleep schedule as HIM.

Now to me, that is incredibly selfish. We'd already established quite early in our marriage that I cannot have the same sleep patterns as he does. Rob has the odd ability to fall asleep very quickly once he goes to bed, almost no matter what. I've never had this. Even as a kid I would lay there for a long time before going to sleep. Plus, he functions quite well with being in the bed for eight hours. If I'm in bed for eight hours, it means I got less than six hours of sleep and I cannot function on that. I get sick, with a sore throat developing into a cold, if I don't get enough sleep more than a couple of night in a row.

Also, if we go to bed at the same time he wants to talk. I get myself all settled into a comfortable boneless position, and then he wants to have a discussion about something. It could be something that happened to him during the day, something he wants to tell me, but usually it's a topic that either irritates me or completely wakes me up. This causes me to have even more difficulty in falling asleep. The only solution is to just not go to bed at the same time as him. It isn't that I don't try hard enough to fall asleep or are making some kind of choice- I just simply cannot do it.

To sum it up, my husband wants to be so selfish as to whine about my sleep habits, no matter what they are, until I maintain the same sleep schedule as he does despite my needs.

Surrender

OK, you know what, I give up. I can't possibly blog privately unless I'm very sneaky about it and do it on a laptop or wait until I get a job and do it from work. Rob, I know you're reading this.

I'd been wondering for a while why, whenever I opened my browser window in the morning, the history would be open on the side. I don't really look at my history that much. Then, I noticed that the address for this blog was in the history....but I don't go directly to this address. So, I investigated further and learned that whoever viewed this blog from my computer did so at about a quarter to 7 in the morning on that particular day. I was asleep at that point, but my husband wasn't.

Rob, I understand that you're worried about losing me. I also know that you have a valid reason to be concerned about what I'm doing on my computer. But for the love of god, I need a venting place. It's not fair for you to try to have discussions of our marriage knowing what I feel when I'm angry, instead of what I feel when I'm calm. Quit goddamn snooping.

I guess I'm gonna have to delete this blog now, since the whole reason for having it is gone. So much for anonimity.

So not attractive

When your significant other spends more than a couple of minutes vigorously scratching their ass and/or balls in front of you, the liklihood of you finding them sexy is quite diminished until the mental image fades.

Vocal cavern

One thing I've noticed is that my husband's behavior often resembles that of my father's. Trust me, this wasn't something I was conscious of until recently. I hadn't put much credence in the theory that you recreate your relationship with your parents in your spouse, until I saw it in action.

My husband has a big mouth. He opens it and says things he shouldn't, things I've asked him not to say, things that are just plain insulting. You know how you state opinions of people or things that aren't the most flattering to your closest friends and significant other? Well, I can't do that anymore. My husband will blurt them out, even if I specifically ask him not to repeat them.

He isn't particularly subtle about it either, which leads me to believe that he really isn't thinking about what he's doing. If he were gonna repeat opinions of mine that I don't want generally known, you'd think he'd do it behind my back, right? Nope, he says things like "Cady didn't like that cake you made" right to people's faces right in front of me.

Today he said something to his father on phone while I was in the room, and I felt the need to chime in from the background to correct what he said. First of all, it was something we'd agreed on that his dad wouldn't like the best, but he made it sound like entirely my decision. He also tells his dad things I'd rather not have my parents know, and since my husband is a great deal like his father, I'll bet his dad will blurt these things out when he sees my parents. Argh.

I sometimes ask my mom for advice about stuff that I see her dealing with in my father. For instance, my dad makes up stories about us and tells them to people. OK, so I exaggerate. But so does he. He takes actual events and embelishes them or plain makes things up to give entirely the wrong impression. For instance, my dad's family now believe that my high scohol friends were a rowdy bunch of destructive kids. Yeah....we were all in National Honor Society, in the Science Club, and just really mild in general. My dad once gave a group of people the idea that my mom sits home all day eating chocolates, drinking beer and watching soap operas. Again, pretty much the opposite of the truth.

I hate to talk to my mom about stuff. I want her to like my husband, and if I reveal flaws that she wouldn't (maybe) necessarily see that becomes harder. But it's also difficult, because right now I really only have one friend I can ask for advice and I don't want to keep dumping on her. At this time, though, I'm starting to get really creeped out at how much my husband is like my father. And if you're reading this, sweetie, take that as a warning: do you want to turn into MY dad?

Love my prozac

When I've got a regular schedule, I function better. If I have to be at a certain place at a certain time, my life seems to run much more smoothly. The antidepressents really help with things, but I still don't get much accomplished these days. I pretty much spend all my time sleeping or putzing around.

So it's entirely possibly that most of my problems are being exaggerated in my own mind. I know that there are issues with our marriage and that things need to be worked on. I can't help but wonder if I'm leaping on small things and making them big, imagining how much better life would be without my husband when I'd really be bereft without him.

I think part of the problem is I feel really trapped right now. My husband was always there for me when we were dating. The days I curled up in a ball and sobbed because I hated myself so much, he was there to hold me. When I found out that my mother had been diagnosed with a return of her cancer, he comforted me. He's been my rock through all the years of treatment and now that she'll probably never be cured but instead will live with cancer for the rest of her life, he helps me deal. I feel like I owe him.

Add to this that his own mother died unexpectedly a little over four months ago. He's got his dad and brother left. It makes me feel like I have to step up and be the woman of the family now. If we divorced I wouldn't be leaving just him but his dad as well. I cared very much for his mother and I love her sisters and the rest of her family. I don't want to leave them, but I also feel like this can't be a consideration.

Marriage should be give and take, but it shouldn't mathematically defined. Yes, if you're the one to always give you have a right to be irritated, but I don't think that's a factor here. The other day, my husband said 'Don't you feel guilty for mooching off of me?' I guess I hadn't thought of it as mooching- I have every intention of getting a job and contributing. I feel like he's adding up everything I give and do and is finding it lacking, like I owe him money or slavery or something.

Again, I think once I get more stable and have a routine established, then I can really evaluate things. Counseling is definitely in our future. And hon, if you're reading this (like I strongly suspect you are) know that I do love you and that's why this is tearing me apart and causing me to obsess.

Learn to share

This weekend was spent again with family, so I didn't have to deal with my husband one-on-one at all. It was such a nice break, but as soon as we got home he began to irritate me again, like rubbing a raw spot. Admittedly, I was tired and that made me cranky and so I was much easier to irritate...but my first reaction to my husband shouldn't be to want to get away.

I read somewhere recently that a good litmus test of a relationship is to be in a gathering with your significant other. You should look at that person and be proud of them and, of everyone there, that should be the one you want to be with the most. This shouldn't be based on what other people think (although if they're close friends you might give their opinion a bit of weight) but on how you feel.

I'm embarrassed by my husband. He's tactless, tends to give his opinion without really knowing what's being discussed. He's really loud (which in turns has influenced me to become loud). I have a large vocabulary and he tries to use words he doesn't really know in an effort to keep up with me. He's really very smart, but at times I wonder.

He's also not as cultured as I am, by which I mean I've been exposed to many different aspects of stuff like music, food, literature, etc. He has no wish to be exposed to different aspects of literature, I haul him kicking and screaming to the very occasional play or other theater production, and I've actually broadened his taste in food (which, since he's much pickier than even I am, means he's actually eaten something besides American and Italian food). Even worse, when he deigns to do something outside his comfort zone, he spends the entire time making me aware that he's miserable.

Basically, the only interests we share are primarily his interests- he has no desire to indulge my tastes. I cringe when he speaks in a gathering, because I'm sure he'll say something stupid or mildly offensive. Worst of all, I can't tell him things because I'm never sure what he'll repeat, even if I ask him not to share it with other people. I wonder how I could have decided to share my life with this person, even if I do love him and superficially we get along great. It seems like everything I dislike about our relationship is such a small thing, but they all add up.....

Treadmilling

I feel like I'm stating things over and over again, rehashing them. It's hard to tell if I'm working through things or just running in circles. In addition, things don't remain the same. It's hard to maintain the status quo when you have to deal with the person who causes all my anguish every day. God this blog must be boring to people.

My husband had the day off today, and I was almost offended that he was home all day. That's my time! Finally he took off and I had the place to myself as usual. I'm also up much later than I thought I would be tonight, recovering and unwinding from having him around all the time.

There's a few things that I think need to be done before I can stick a fork in this marriage and call it done. We both need to have outside interests and friends, so we aren't spending so much time together. I need to get a job, both so I can support myself if we do divorce and to get him off my back about it and see if he treats me better once I'm gainfully employed.

Finally, we need a bigger place. I'm frankly not sure that's an issue- I might feel crowded no matter how big a place we have- but it's true that it's hard to get away from someone when there's basically the bedroom, the bathroom and the kitchen/dining room/living room. I always had a need for lots of private time before we were married, so maybe that's why I feel like I'm being rubbed raw being around him all the time.

Back in November, my husband went out of town for five days. I loved those five days. I could eat what and when I want and actually ended up eating healthier food and less of it than normal. I could sleep when I wanted and not have to worry about anyone waking me up or bitching at me for taking a nap when he wanted me to make his dinner. I was relaxed and could focus on my homework and studying in a way I couldn't when he was around (since he would always demand my attention while I was in the middle of a paper or textbook).

I think, once the three above conditions are met, I will request that we go to marriage counseling. If he won't go, I will request a trial separation. It's possible that I just really really needed a break from him, and should go on vacation by myself once a year or something. Or it's possible that I'd just be much happier without him. As I said, I wouldn't leave him for another guy. I just want to be single and alone again.

Is it stalking when it's your spouse?

I went shopping on Tuesday. In retrospect, bad timing due to people stocking up for the holiday but unfortunately necessary. I had to hit a few stores, since I tend to both put things off until they've stack up and also do things efficiently. I had been gone maybe an hour and was on my way to the third store when I got a phone call.

"Hey, it's me. Where are you? Shouldn't you be home by now?" It was my husband.

"Um, I'm about to go to the grocery store. Why, you need anything?"

"No....I just thought you should be home by now."

He was actually worried about where I was. I had been out of his sight for barely more than an hour, which is not an unreasonable amount of time to be gone shopping at two stores. I can't decide if it's controlling behavior, always wanting to know where I am, or if he's suspicious and worried I might be off with some guy. He doesn't have to worry about me leaving him because of another guy, he just has to worry about me leaving him because of him.

PDA

Anyone who has read this blog might be surprised at how physically affectionate my husband and I are with each other. When we walk around together, we're often either holding hands or have our arms linked. In the car my husband often takes one hand off the wheel (which I wish he would quit doing in heavy traffic) to put it on my hand or knee. We often give each other quick kisses for no particular reason. He also makes a point of kissing me before he leaves for work (whether I'm awake or not) and when he gets home

I know my husband loves me very much. If I didn't know this deep down, I wouldn't still be with him. I think he uses these little bits of PDA to express this since he doesn't have a way with words. I just like showing my affection.

Unfortunately, it doesn't always work out the best. When I was trying hard to make our marriage work, I would drape an arm around him and kiss his cheek while he was watching TV or give him a quick hug while he was on the computer. He took that to mean that our wedding was A-OK and he didn't have to work anymore. I was just trying to put an effort into things. In some ways our marriage is incredibly good, but I also feel like that doesn't always make up for the bad.

Reaons why guys should think I'm awesome

1. I will kick anybody's ass in Mario. Not Paper Mario, Mario 64 or MarioKart (although I'm awesome at that too), but Super Mario Bros. on Nintendo. I love playing videogames, although I'm more of an old-school kinda gal.

2. My movie collection include Evil Dead I & II, Army of Darkness, Mad Max (not just Road Warrior or Beyond Thunderdome, either). When flipping through channels I'll stop at a great kung fu movie.

3. I can and will quote from The Simpsons, Family Guy, Futurama, Wayne's World 1 & 2, Blues Brothers.....

4. I am familiar with and enjoy watching football, baseball, and hockey. Not so much the basketball, though, but I know enough of the others to be able to dissect strategy.

5. I can cook. And bake. Mmm, tasty food.

6. I have to be hauled out of gadget stores like Sharper Image and I like to play with power tools.

Hmmm, maybe these are reasons guys are intimidated by me, instead of thinking I'm awesome.

I've got a case of the Mondays

This weekend my husband and I went out of town with my family. It's nice to have a little mini-vacation, even if it is only for a couple of days. I always come back alternately relaxed and stressed, tired but revitalized.

I was very relaxed Saturday, and I realized it's because my husband was off doing things with my brother and wasn't bugging me all the time. I didn't have to worry about him saying something stupid and insulting to me or grabbing me or startling me. I could just unwind. While it's true I was glad to get away from him for a while, we were able to pretty much talk for the entire four-hour drive to get to our destination. Granted, I'm quite a chatterbox and it's possible that about three of the four hours was taken up by my blathering. Still, we manage to have nice conversations.

One of my biggest problems with food stems from my mom. Back when I was still 130 lbs at 5'5", I was convinced I was fat. My mother would poke me in the belly and tell me to do sit-ups, ask if I was sure I should eat that and did I really need it? A hundred more pounds later, I definitely am fat and wish she would just lay off. I can't eat very much around her without her nagging me, so to save myself some stress I just don't eat much. This leads to me having a headache and the shakes because I need to eat more food. Also, when you can't sleep because your stomach is grumbling and rumbling, you probably needed a bedtime snack.

So here I am, glad to have spent time with my family but hungry and tired. I have to deal with husband all the time again instead of pawning him off on my sibling. I can't tell if we just have too much 'together' time or if I've really just had enough.