Love my prozac

When I've got a regular schedule, I function better. If I have to be at a certain place at a certain time, my life seems to run much more smoothly. The antidepressents really help with things, but I still don't get much accomplished these days. I pretty much spend all my time sleeping or putzing around.

So it's entirely possibly that most of my problems are being exaggerated in my own mind. I know that there are issues with our marriage and that things need to be worked on. I can't help but wonder if I'm leaping on small things and making them big, imagining how much better life would be without my husband when I'd really be bereft without him.

I think part of the problem is I feel really trapped right now. My husband was always there for me when we were dating. The days I curled up in a ball and sobbed because I hated myself so much, he was there to hold me. When I found out that my mother had been diagnosed with a return of her cancer, he comforted me. He's been my rock through all the years of treatment and now that she'll probably never be cured but instead will live with cancer for the rest of her life, he helps me deal. I feel like I owe him.

Add to this that his own mother died unexpectedly a little over four months ago. He's got his dad and brother left. It makes me feel like I have to step up and be the woman of the family now. If we divorced I wouldn't be leaving just him but his dad as well. I cared very much for his mother and I love her sisters and the rest of her family. I don't want to leave them, but I also feel like this can't be a consideration.

Marriage should be give and take, but it shouldn't mathematically defined. Yes, if you're the one to always give you have a right to be irritated, but I don't think that's a factor here. The other day, my husband said 'Don't you feel guilty for mooching off of me?' I guess I hadn't thought of it as mooching- I have every intention of getting a job and contributing. I feel like he's adding up everything I give and do and is finding it lacking, like I owe him money or slavery or something.

Again, I think once I get more stable and have a routine established, then I can really evaluate things. Counseling is definitely in our future. And hon, if you're reading this (like I strongly suspect you are) know that I do love you and that's why this is tearing me apart and causing me to obsess.