Treadmilling

I feel like I'm stating things over and over again, rehashing them. It's hard to tell if I'm working through things or just running in circles. In addition, things don't remain the same. It's hard to maintain the status quo when you have to deal with the person who causes all my anguish every day. God this blog must be boring to people.

My husband had the day off today, and I was almost offended that he was home all day. That's my time! Finally he took off and I had the place to myself as usual. I'm also up much later than I thought I would be tonight, recovering and unwinding from having him around all the time.

There's a few things that I think need to be done before I can stick a fork in this marriage and call it done. We both need to have outside interests and friends, so we aren't spending so much time together. I need to get a job, both so I can support myself if we do divorce and to get him off my back about it and see if he treats me better once I'm gainfully employed.

Finally, we need a bigger place. I'm frankly not sure that's an issue- I might feel crowded no matter how big a place we have- but it's true that it's hard to get away from someone when there's basically the bedroom, the bathroom and the kitchen/dining room/living room. I always had a need for lots of private time before we were married, so maybe that's why I feel like I'm being rubbed raw being around him all the time.

Back in November, my husband went out of town for five days. I loved those five days. I could eat what and when I want and actually ended up eating healthier food and less of it than normal. I could sleep when I wanted and not have to worry about anyone waking me up or bitching at me for taking a nap when he wanted me to make his dinner. I was relaxed and could focus on my homework and studying in a way I couldn't when he was around (since he would always demand my attention while I was in the middle of a paper or textbook).

I think, once the three above conditions are met, I will request that we go to marriage counseling. If he won't go, I will request a trial separation. It's possible that I just really really needed a break from him, and should go on vacation by myself once a year or something. Or it's possible that I'd just be much happier without him. As I said, I wouldn't leave him for another guy. I just want to be single and alone again.