For a change of pace, I'm not going to complain about my husband. No, I've got something else entirely to bitch about- the idiots in the online economics class I'm taking. I believe the proper phrase is 'fucking morons'.
Granted, I'm used to being around smart people. I'm only taking this class because I need precisely three credits and it seemed easy. It's only a month long, it's all online, the requirements are laid out. Right now, without having gotten points for my last homework assignment, I need to get 42% on the final to pass the class. Seeing as I've gotten an A on everything else, I think passing is a given.
I miss the people in my difficult 4000-level classes. I miss people who can do basic math. I miss people who are almost all going to grad school in either research science or to med school. I swear this class is filled with more than its share of idiots. Oh god, now that I sound like a total arrogant snot, it's hard to explain that I'm not. I like people, even those who aren't damn smart. It's just that it's easier to deal with the smart people because they require less explanations.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Sleepy
Oooh I'm just so frustrated. If it wasn't enough that I'm damn sure Rob's been reading this blog, I have even more proof. Since I've stopped writing, I've pretty much had one visitor a day to this site....except for the days he was out of town and didn't have access to the internet. Again, Rob, 'fess up. It just pisses me off even more when you can't admit to reading this.
I just couldn't stay away for the last irritation. I had to write to get it out of my system. I have a sleeping problem. I do not fall asleep easily. I can lay there for hours on end. When it was really bad, when I had a lot of stress in my life, I simply didn't sleep at night at all. I would go until I literally was so exhausted I couldn't function anymore and then I would crash. Since this crash would usually come in the afternoon, I would wake up at odd hours and then the next night not be able to go to sleep at a good time because I had slept at a weird time the day before. I've been trying to avoid this cycle but it's hard.
Lately I've been between jobs. This means I don't have a schedule to follow so my immediate reaction is to sleep when I want to sleep and be awake when I want to be awake. Since I'm really a night person, I'm usually up until at least 2 AM and then I sleep until close to noon. My bedtime kept getting later and later, since I didn't really have anything I needed to achieve that couldn't be done in the afternoon and evening.
Finally the cycle caught up with me and I ended up going to bed very early, around 8 PM, and then waking up early around 5 AM. This settled into going to bed around 9-10 and getting up around 5-6. Being a morning person was a new experience for me but I was beginning to enjoy it for the same reasons I liked being a night owl. Very early in the morning our neighborhood is peaceful and there aren't many people or noises around- just like very late at night. I thought this was a good change because I was able to do a lot of things in the morning or the middle of the day.
Rob always disliked my schedule of going to bed late and getting up very late. He had a point- on the weekends he would end up going to bed much earlier than me and then do a whole bunch of stuff while I was still snoozing the morning away. It wasn't fair to him because it wasted the time we had together, plus when we HAD to get up earlier I would be cranky all day from sleep deprivation.
I thought he would like the new early-to-bed schedule better, since it meant I was up and cheery early in the morning, even on weekends. Nope, he doesn't like that either. In fact, he bitched about it to me the other day. It turns out that what he really wants is for me to have the same sleep schedule as HIM.
Now to me, that is incredibly selfish. We'd already established quite early in our marriage that I cannot have the same sleep patterns as he does. Rob has the odd ability to fall asleep very quickly once he goes to bed, almost no matter what. I've never had this. Even as a kid I would lay there for a long time before going to sleep. Plus, he functions quite well with being in the bed for eight hours. If I'm in bed for eight hours, it means I got less than six hours of sleep and I cannot function on that. I get sick, with a sore throat developing into a cold, if I don't get enough sleep more than a couple of night in a row.
Also, if we go to bed at the same time he wants to talk. I get myself all settled into a comfortable boneless position, and then he wants to have a discussion about something. It could be something that happened to him during the day, something he wants to tell me, but usually it's a topic that either irritates me or completely wakes me up. This causes me to have even more difficulty in falling asleep. The only solution is to just not go to bed at the same time as him. It isn't that I don't try hard enough to fall asleep or are making some kind of choice- I just simply cannot do it.
To sum it up, my husband wants to be so selfish as to whine about my sleep habits, no matter what they are, until I maintain the same sleep schedule as he does despite my needs.
I just couldn't stay away for the last irritation. I had to write to get it out of my system. I have a sleeping problem. I do not fall asleep easily. I can lay there for hours on end. When it was really bad, when I had a lot of stress in my life, I simply didn't sleep at night at all. I would go until I literally was so exhausted I couldn't function anymore and then I would crash. Since this crash would usually come in the afternoon, I would wake up at odd hours and then the next night not be able to go to sleep at a good time because I had slept at a weird time the day before. I've been trying to avoid this cycle but it's hard.
Lately I've been between jobs. This means I don't have a schedule to follow so my immediate reaction is to sleep when I want to sleep and be awake when I want to be awake. Since I'm really a night person, I'm usually up until at least 2 AM and then I sleep until close to noon. My bedtime kept getting later and later, since I didn't really have anything I needed to achieve that couldn't be done in the afternoon and evening.
Finally the cycle caught up with me and I ended up going to bed very early, around 8 PM, and then waking up early around 5 AM. This settled into going to bed around 9-10 and getting up around 5-6. Being a morning person was a new experience for me but I was beginning to enjoy it for the same reasons I liked being a night owl. Very early in the morning our neighborhood is peaceful and there aren't many people or noises around- just like very late at night. I thought this was a good change because I was able to do a lot of things in the morning or the middle of the day.
Rob always disliked my schedule of going to bed late and getting up very late. He had a point- on the weekends he would end up going to bed much earlier than me and then do a whole bunch of stuff while I was still snoozing the morning away. It wasn't fair to him because it wasted the time we had together, plus when we HAD to get up earlier I would be cranky all day from sleep deprivation.
I thought he would like the new early-to-bed schedule better, since it meant I was up and cheery early in the morning, even on weekends. Nope, he doesn't like that either. In fact, he bitched about it to me the other day. It turns out that what he really wants is for me to have the same sleep schedule as HIM.
Now to me, that is incredibly selfish. We'd already established quite early in our marriage that I cannot have the same sleep patterns as he does. Rob has the odd ability to fall asleep very quickly once he goes to bed, almost no matter what. I've never had this. Even as a kid I would lay there for a long time before going to sleep. Plus, he functions quite well with being in the bed for eight hours. If I'm in bed for eight hours, it means I got less than six hours of sleep and I cannot function on that. I get sick, with a sore throat developing into a cold, if I don't get enough sleep more than a couple of night in a row.
Also, if we go to bed at the same time he wants to talk. I get myself all settled into a comfortable boneless position, and then he wants to have a discussion about something. It could be something that happened to him during the day, something he wants to tell me, but usually it's a topic that either irritates me or completely wakes me up. This causes me to have even more difficulty in falling asleep. The only solution is to just not go to bed at the same time as him. It isn't that I don't try hard enough to fall asleep or are making some kind of choice- I just simply cannot do it.
To sum it up, my husband wants to be so selfish as to whine about my sleep habits, no matter what they are, until I maintain the same sleep schedule as he does despite my needs.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Surrender
OK, you know what, I give up. I can't possibly blog privately unless I'm very sneaky about it and do it on a laptop or wait until I get a job and do it from work. Rob, I know you're reading this.
I'd been wondering for a while why, whenever I opened my browser window in the morning, the history would be open on the side. I don't really look at my history that much. Then, I noticed that the address for this blog was in the history....but I don't go directly to this address. So, I investigated further and learned that whoever viewed this blog from my computer did so at about a quarter to 7 in the morning on that particular day. I was asleep at that point, but my husband wasn't.
Rob, I understand that you're worried about losing me. I also know that you have a valid reason to be concerned about what I'm doing on my computer. But for the love of god, I need a venting place. It's not fair for you to try to have discussions of our marriage knowing what I feel when I'm angry, instead of what I feel when I'm calm. Quit goddamn snooping.
I guess I'm gonna have to delete this blog now, since the whole reason for having it is gone. So much for anonimity.
I'd been wondering for a while why, whenever I opened my browser window in the morning, the history would be open on the side. I don't really look at my history that much. Then, I noticed that the address for this blog was in the history....but I don't go directly to this address. So, I investigated further and learned that whoever viewed this blog from my computer did so at about a quarter to 7 in the morning on that particular day. I was asleep at that point, but my husband wasn't.
Rob, I understand that you're worried about losing me. I also know that you have a valid reason to be concerned about what I'm doing on my computer. But for the love of god, I need a venting place. It's not fair for you to try to have discussions of our marriage knowing what I feel when I'm angry, instead of what I feel when I'm calm. Quit goddamn snooping.
I guess I'm gonna have to delete this blog now, since the whole reason for having it is gone. So much for anonimity.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
So not attractive
When your significant other spends more than a couple of minutes vigorously scratching their ass and/or balls in front of you, the liklihood of you finding them sexy is quite diminished until the mental image fades.
Friday, July 13, 2007
Vocal cavern
One thing I've noticed is that my husband's behavior often resembles that of my father's. Trust me, this wasn't something I was conscious of until recently. I hadn't put much credence in the theory that you recreate your relationship with your parents in your spouse, until I saw it in action.
My husband has a big mouth. He opens it and says things he shouldn't, things I've asked him not to say, things that are just plain insulting. You know how you state opinions of people or things that aren't the most flattering to your closest friends and significant other? Well, I can't do that anymore. My husband will blurt them out, even if I specifically ask him not to repeat them.
He isn't particularly subtle about it either, which leads me to believe that he really isn't thinking about what he's doing. If he were gonna repeat opinions of mine that I don't want generally known, you'd think he'd do it behind my back, right? Nope, he says things like "Cady didn't like that cake you made" right to people's faces right in front of me.
Today he said something to his father on phone while I was in the room, and I felt the need to chime in from the background to correct what he said. First of all, it was something we'd agreed on that his dad wouldn't like the best, but he made it sound like entirely my decision. He also tells his dad things I'd rather not have my parents know, and since my husband is a great deal like his father, I'll bet his dad will blurt these things out when he sees my parents. Argh.
I sometimes ask my mom for advice about stuff that I see her dealing with in my father. For instance, my dad makes up stories about us and tells them to people. OK, so I exaggerate. But so does he. He takes actual events and embelishes them or plain makes things up to give entirely the wrong impression. For instance, my dad's family now believe that my high scohol friends were a rowdy bunch of destructive kids. Yeah....we were all in National Honor Society, in the Science Club, and just really mild in general. My dad once gave a group of people the idea that my mom sits home all day eating chocolates, drinking beer and watching soap operas. Again, pretty much the opposite of the truth.
I hate to talk to my mom about stuff. I want her to like my husband, and if I reveal flaws that she wouldn't (maybe) necessarily see that becomes harder. But it's also difficult, because right now I really only have one friend I can ask for advice and I don't want to keep dumping on her. At this time, though, I'm starting to get really creeped out at how much my husband is like my father. And if you're reading this, sweetie, take that as a warning: do you want to turn into MY dad?
My husband has a big mouth. He opens it and says things he shouldn't, things I've asked him not to say, things that are just plain insulting. You know how you state opinions of people or things that aren't the most flattering to your closest friends and significant other? Well, I can't do that anymore. My husband will blurt them out, even if I specifically ask him not to repeat them.
He isn't particularly subtle about it either, which leads me to believe that he really isn't thinking about what he's doing. If he were gonna repeat opinions of mine that I don't want generally known, you'd think he'd do it behind my back, right? Nope, he says things like "Cady didn't like that cake you made" right to people's faces right in front of me.
Today he said something to his father on phone while I was in the room, and I felt the need to chime in from the background to correct what he said. First of all, it was something we'd agreed on that his dad wouldn't like the best, but he made it sound like entirely my decision. He also tells his dad things I'd rather not have my parents know, and since my husband is a great deal like his father, I'll bet his dad will blurt these things out when he sees my parents. Argh.
I sometimes ask my mom for advice about stuff that I see her dealing with in my father. For instance, my dad makes up stories about us and tells them to people. OK, so I exaggerate. But so does he. He takes actual events and embelishes them or plain makes things up to give entirely the wrong impression. For instance, my dad's family now believe that my high scohol friends were a rowdy bunch of destructive kids. Yeah....we were all in National Honor Society, in the Science Club, and just really mild in general. My dad once gave a group of people the idea that my mom sits home all day eating chocolates, drinking beer and watching soap operas. Again, pretty much the opposite of the truth.
I hate to talk to my mom about stuff. I want her to like my husband, and if I reveal flaws that she wouldn't (maybe) necessarily see that becomes harder. But it's also difficult, because right now I really only have one friend I can ask for advice and I don't want to keep dumping on her. At this time, though, I'm starting to get really creeped out at how much my husband is like my father. And if you're reading this, sweetie, take that as a warning: do you want to turn into MY dad?
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Love my prozac
When I've got a regular schedule, I function better. If I have to be at a certain place at a certain time, my life seems to run much more smoothly. The antidepressents really help with things, but I still don't get much accomplished these days. I pretty much spend all my time sleeping or putzing around.
So it's entirely possibly that most of my problems are being exaggerated in my own mind. I know that there are issues with our marriage and that things need to be worked on. I can't help but wonder if I'm leaping on small things and making them big, imagining how much better life would be without my husband when I'd really be bereft without him.
I think part of the problem is I feel really trapped right now. My husband was always there for me when we were dating. The days I curled up in a ball and sobbed because I hated myself so much, he was there to hold me. When I found out that my mother had been diagnosed with a return of her cancer, he comforted me. He's been my rock through all the years of treatment and now that she'll probably never be cured but instead will live with cancer for the rest of her life, he helps me deal. I feel like I owe him.
Add to this that his own mother died unexpectedly a little over four months ago. He's got his dad and brother left. It makes me feel like I have to step up and be the woman of the family now. If we divorced I wouldn't be leaving just him but his dad as well. I cared very much for his mother and I love her sisters and the rest of her family. I don't want to leave them, but I also feel like this can't be a consideration.
Marriage should be give and take, but it shouldn't mathematically defined. Yes, if you're the one to always give you have a right to be irritated, but I don't think that's a factor here. The other day, my husband said 'Don't you feel guilty for mooching off of me?' I guess I hadn't thought of it as mooching- I have every intention of getting a job and contributing. I feel like he's adding up everything I give and do and is finding it lacking, like I owe him money or slavery or something.
Again, I think once I get more stable and have a routine established, then I can really evaluate things. Counseling is definitely in our future. And hon, if you're reading this (like I strongly suspect you are) know that I do love you and that's why this is tearing me apart and causing me to obsess.
So it's entirely possibly that most of my problems are being exaggerated in my own mind. I know that there are issues with our marriage and that things need to be worked on. I can't help but wonder if I'm leaping on small things and making them big, imagining how much better life would be without my husband when I'd really be bereft without him.
I think part of the problem is I feel really trapped right now. My husband was always there for me when we were dating. The days I curled up in a ball and sobbed because I hated myself so much, he was there to hold me. When I found out that my mother had been diagnosed with a return of her cancer, he comforted me. He's been my rock through all the years of treatment and now that she'll probably never be cured but instead will live with cancer for the rest of her life, he helps me deal. I feel like I owe him.
Add to this that his own mother died unexpectedly a little over four months ago. He's got his dad and brother left. It makes me feel like I have to step up and be the woman of the family now. If we divorced I wouldn't be leaving just him but his dad as well. I cared very much for his mother and I love her sisters and the rest of her family. I don't want to leave them, but I also feel like this can't be a consideration.
Marriage should be give and take, but it shouldn't mathematically defined. Yes, if you're the one to always give you have a right to be irritated, but I don't think that's a factor here. The other day, my husband said 'Don't you feel guilty for mooching off of me?' I guess I hadn't thought of it as mooching- I have every intention of getting a job and contributing. I feel like he's adding up everything I give and do and is finding it lacking, like I owe him money or slavery or something.
Again, I think once I get more stable and have a routine established, then I can really evaluate things. Counseling is definitely in our future. And hon, if you're reading this (like I strongly suspect you are) know that I do love you and that's why this is tearing me apart and causing me to obsess.
Monday, July 9, 2007
Learn to share
This weekend was spent again with family, so I didn't have to deal with my husband one-on-one at all. It was such a nice break, but as soon as we got home he began to irritate me again, like rubbing a raw spot. Admittedly, I was tired and that made me cranky and so I was much easier to irritate...but my first reaction to my husband shouldn't be to want to get away.
I read somewhere recently that a good litmus test of a relationship is to be in a gathering with your significant other. You should look at that person and be proud of them and, of everyone there, that should be the one you want to be with the most. This shouldn't be based on what other people think (although if they're close friends you might give their opinion a bit of weight) but on how you feel.
I'm embarrassed by my husband. He's tactless, tends to give his opinion without really knowing what's being discussed. He's really loud (which in turns has influenced me to become loud). I have a large vocabulary and he tries to use words he doesn't really know in an effort to keep up with me. He's really very smart, but at times I wonder.
He's also not as cultured as I am, by which I mean I've been exposed to many different aspects of stuff like music, food, literature, etc. He has no wish to be exposed to different aspects of literature, I haul him kicking and screaming to the very occasional play or other theater production, and I've actually broadened his taste in food (which, since he's much pickier than even I am, means he's actually eaten something besides American and Italian food). Even worse, when he deigns to do something outside his comfort zone, he spends the entire time making me aware that he's miserable.
Basically, the only interests we share are primarily his interests- he has no desire to indulge my tastes. I cringe when he speaks in a gathering, because I'm sure he'll say something stupid or mildly offensive. Worst of all, I can't tell him things because I'm never sure what he'll repeat, even if I ask him not to share it with other people. I wonder how I could have decided to share my life with this person, even if I do love him and superficially we get along great. It seems like everything I dislike about our relationship is such a small thing, but they all add up.....
I read somewhere recently that a good litmus test of a relationship is to be in a gathering with your significant other. You should look at that person and be proud of them and, of everyone there, that should be the one you want to be with the most. This shouldn't be based on what other people think (although if they're close friends you might give their opinion a bit of weight) but on how you feel.
I'm embarrassed by my husband. He's tactless, tends to give his opinion without really knowing what's being discussed. He's really loud (which in turns has influenced me to become loud). I have a large vocabulary and he tries to use words he doesn't really know in an effort to keep up with me. He's really very smart, but at times I wonder.
He's also not as cultured as I am, by which I mean I've been exposed to many different aspects of stuff like music, food, literature, etc. He has no wish to be exposed to different aspects of literature, I haul him kicking and screaming to the very occasional play or other theater production, and I've actually broadened his taste in food (which, since he's much pickier than even I am, means he's actually eaten something besides American and Italian food). Even worse, when he deigns to do something outside his comfort zone, he spends the entire time making me aware that he's miserable.
Basically, the only interests we share are primarily his interests- he has no desire to indulge my tastes. I cringe when he speaks in a gathering, because I'm sure he'll say something stupid or mildly offensive. Worst of all, I can't tell him things because I'm never sure what he'll repeat, even if I ask him not to share it with other people. I wonder how I could have decided to share my life with this person, even if I do love him and superficially we get along great. It seems like everything I dislike about our relationship is such a small thing, but they all add up.....
Friday, July 6, 2007
Treadmilling
I feel like I'm stating things over and over again, rehashing them. It's hard to tell if I'm working through things or just running in circles. In addition, things don't remain the same. It's hard to maintain the status quo when you have to deal with the person who causes all my anguish every day. God this blog must be boring to people.
My husband had the day off today, and I was almost offended that he was home all day. That's my time! Finally he took off and I had the place to myself as usual. I'm also up much later than I thought I would be tonight, recovering and unwinding from having him around all the time.
There's a few things that I think need to be done before I can stick a fork in this marriage and call it done. We both need to have outside interests and friends, so we aren't spending so much time together. I need to get a job, both so I can support myself if we do divorce and to get him off my back about it and see if he treats me better once I'm gainfully employed.
Finally, we need a bigger place. I'm frankly not sure that's an issue- I might feel crowded no matter how big a place we have- but it's true that it's hard to get away from someone when there's basically the bedroom, the bathroom and the kitchen/dining room/living room. I always had a need for lots of private time before we were married, so maybe that's why I feel like I'm being rubbed raw being around him all the time.
Back in November, my husband went out of town for five days. I loved those five days. I could eat what and when I want and actually ended up eating healthier food and less of it than normal. I could sleep when I wanted and not have to worry about anyone waking me up or bitching at me for taking a nap when he wanted me to make his dinner. I was relaxed and could focus on my homework and studying in a way I couldn't when he was around (since he would always demand my attention while I was in the middle of a paper or textbook).
I think, once the three above conditions are met, I will request that we go to marriage counseling. If he won't go, I will request a trial separation. It's possible that I just really really needed a break from him, and should go on vacation by myself once a year or something. Or it's possible that I'd just be much happier without him. As I said, I wouldn't leave him for another guy. I just want to be single and alone again.
My husband had the day off today, and I was almost offended that he was home all day. That's my time! Finally he took off and I had the place to myself as usual. I'm also up much later than I thought I would be tonight, recovering and unwinding from having him around all the time.
There's a few things that I think need to be done before I can stick a fork in this marriage and call it done. We both need to have outside interests and friends, so we aren't spending so much time together. I need to get a job, both so I can support myself if we do divorce and to get him off my back about it and see if he treats me better once I'm gainfully employed.
Finally, we need a bigger place. I'm frankly not sure that's an issue- I might feel crowded no matter how big a place we have- but it's true that it's hard to get away from someone when there's basically the bedroom, the bathroom and the kitchen/dining room/living room. I always had a need for lots of private time before we were married, so maybe that's why I feel like I'm being rubbed raw being around him all the time.
Back in November, my husband went out of town for five days. I loved those five days. I could eat what and when I want and actually ended up eating healthier food and less of it than normal. I could sleep when I wanted and not have to worry about anyone waking me up or bitching at me for taking a nap when he wanted me to make his dinner. I was relaxed and could focus on my homework and studying in a way I couldn't when he was around (since he would always demand my attention while I was in the middle of a paper or textbook).
I think, once the three above conditions are met, I will request that we go to marriage counseling. If he won't go, I will request a trial separation. It's possible that I just really really needed a break from him, and should go on vacation by myself once a year or something. Or it's possible that I'd just be much happier without him. As I said, I wouldn't leave him for another guy. I just want to be single and alone again.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Is it stalking when it's your spouse?
I went shopping on Tuesday. In retrospect, bad timing due to people stocking up for the holiday but unfortunately necessary. I had to hit a few stores, since I tend to both put things off until they've stack up and also do things efficiently. I had been gone maybe an hour and was on my way to the third store when I got a phone call.
"Hey, it's me. Where are you? Shouldn't you be home by now?" It was my husband.
"Um, I'm about to go to the grocery store. Why, you need anything?"
"No....I just thought you should be home by now."
He was actually worried about where I was. I had been out of his sight for barely more than an hour, which is not an unreasonable amount of time to be gone shopping at two stores. I can't decide if it's controlling behavior, always wanting to know where I am, or if he's suspicious and worried I might be off with some guy. He doesn't have to worry about me leaving him because of another guy, he just has to worry about me leaving him because of him.
"Hey, it's me. Where are you? Shouldn't you be home by now?" It was my husband.
"Um, I'm about to go to the grocery store. Why, you need anything?"
"No....I just thought you should be home by now."
He was actually worried about where I was. I had been out of his sight for barely more than an hour, which is not an unreasonable amount of time to be gone shopping at two stores. I can't decide if it's controlling behavior, always wanting to know where I am, or if he's suspicious and worried I might be off with some guy. He doesn't have to worry about me leaving him because of another guy, he just has to worry about me leaving him because of him.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
PDA
Anyone who has read this blog might be surprised at how physically affectionate my husband and I are with each other. When we walk around together, we're often either holding hands or have our arms linked. In the car my husband often takes one hand off the wheel (which I wish he would quit doing in heavy traffic) to put it on my hand or knee. We often give each other quick kisses for no particular reason. He also makes a point of kissing me before he leaves for work (whether I'm awake or not) and when he gets home
I know my husband loves me very much. If I didn't know this deep down, I wouldn't still be with him. I think he uses these little bits of PDA to express this since he doesn't have a way with words. I just like showing my affection.
Unfortunately, it doesn't always work out the best. When I was trying hard to make our marriage work, I would drape an arm around him and kiss his cheek while he was watching TV or give him a quick hug while he was on the computer. He took that to mean that our wedding was A-OK and he didn't have to work anymore. I was just trying to put an effort into things. In some ways our marriage is incredibly good, but I also feel like that doesn't always make up for the bad.
I know my husband loves me very much. If I didn't know this deep down, I wouldn't still be with him. I think he uses these little bits of PDA to express this since he doesn't have a way with words. I just like showing my affection.
Unfortunately, it doesn't always work out the best. When I was trying hard to make our marriage work, I would drape an arm around him and kiss his cheek while he was watching TV or give him a quick hug while he was on the computer. He took that to mean that our wedding was A-OK and he didn't have to work anymore. I was just trying to put an effort into things. In some ways our marriage is incredibly good, but I also feel like that doesn't always make up for the bad.
Monday, July 2, 2007
Reaons why guys should think I'm awesome
1. I will kick anybody's ass in Mario. Not Paper Mario, Mario 64 or MarioKart (although I'm awesome at that too), but Super Mario Bros. on Nintendo. I love playing videogames, although I'm more of an old-school kinda gal.
2. My movie collection include Evil Dead I & II, Army of Darkness, Mad Max (not just Road Warrior or Beyond Thunderdome, either). When flipping through channels I'll stop at a great kung fu movie.
3. I can and will quote from The Simpsons, Family Guy, Futurama, Wayne's World 1 & 2, Blues Brothers.....
4. I am familiar with and enjoy watching football, baseball, and hockey. Not so much the basketball, though, but I know enough of the others to be able to dissect strategy.
5. I can cook. And bake. Mmm, tasty food.
6. I have to be hauled out of gadget stores like Sharper Image and I like to play with power tools.
Hmmm, maybe these are reasons guys are intimidated by me, instead of thinking I'm awesome.
2. My movie collection include Evil Dead I & II, Army of Darkness, Mad Max (not just Road Warrior or Beyond Thunderdome, either). When flipping through channels I'll stop at a great kung fu movie.
3. I can and will quote from The Simpsons, Family Guy, Futurama, Wayne's World 1 & 2, Blues Brothers.....
4. I am familiar with and enjoy watching football, baseball, and hockey. Not so much the basketball, though, but I know enough of the others to be able to dissect strategy.
5. I can cook. And bake. Mmm, tasty food.
6. I have to be hauled out of gadget stores like Sharper Image and I like to play with power tools.
Hmmm, maybe these are reasons guys are intimidated by me, instead of thinking I'm awesome.
Sunday, July 1, 2007
I've got a case of the Mondays
This weekend my husband and I went out of town with my family. It's nice to have a little mini-vacation, even if it is only for a couple of days. I always come back alternately relaxed and stressed, tired but revitalized.
I was very relaxed Saturday, and I realized it's because my husband was off doing things with my brother and wasn't bugging me all the time. I didn't have to worry about him saying something stupid and insulting to me or grabbing me or startling me. I could just unwind. While it's true I was glad to get away from him for a while, we were able to pretty much talk for the entire four-hour drive to get to our destination. Granted, I'm quite a chatterbox and it's possible that about three of the four hours was taken up by my blathering. Still, we manage to have nice conversations.
One of my biggest problems with food stems from my mom. Back when I was still 130 lbs at 5'5", I was convinced I was fat. My mother would poke me in the belly and tell me to do sit-ups, ask if I was sure I should eat that and did I really need it? A hundred more pounds later, I definitely am fat and wish she would just lay off. I can't eat very much around her without her nagging me, so to save myself some stress I just don't eat much. This leads to me having a headache and the shakes because I need to eat more food. Also, when you can't sleep because your stomach is grumbling and rumbling, you probably needed a bedtime snack.
So here I am, glad to have spent time with my family but hungry and tired. I have to deal with husband all the time again instead of pawning him off on my sibling. I can't tell if we just have too much 'together' time or if I've really just had enough.
I was very relaxed Saturday, and I realized it's because my husband was off doing things with my brother and wasn't bugging me all the time. I didn't have to worry about him saying something stupid and insulting to me or grabbing me or startling me. I could just unwind. While it's true I was glad to get away from him for a while, we were able to pretty much talk for the entire four-hour drive to get to our destination. Granted, I'm quite a chatterbox and it's possible that about three of the four hours was taken up by my blathering. Still, we manage to have nice conversations.
One of my biggest problems with food stems from my mom. Back when I was still 130 lbs at 5'5", I was convinced I was fat. My mother would poke me in the belly and tell me to do sit-ups, ask if I was sure I should eat that and did I really need it? A hundred more pounds later, I definitely am fat and wish she would just lay off. I can't eat very much around her without her nagging me, so to save myself some stress I just don't eat much. This leads to me having a headache and the shakes because I need to eat more food. Also, when you can't sleep because your stomach is grumbling and rumbling, you probably needed a bedtime snack.
So here I am, glad to have spent time with my family but hungry and tired. I have to deal with husband all the time again instead of pawning him off on my sibling. I can't tell if we just have too much 'together' time or if I've really just had enough.
Friday, June 29, 2007
Housewifing
Despite the impression I give on this blog, my husband isn't all bad. He sometimes does very sweet things for me. Unfortunately, these gestures sometimes backfire.
If he runs to the store, he'll get me a soda or candy or some other treat. While I appreciate what he's trying to do, it's diet sabotage. I like to think he doesn't realize he's doing it, and since I brought up the subject he's been much better about not getting me sweet things. However, he still gets himself candy or ice cream and then proceeds to eat it in front of me. Torture.
Last night he started doing the dishes. He didn't do a whole lot of them and I finished them up, but he tried. Because I'm kinda OCD I don't like having him start the dishes, because I do things in a very specific order. Granted, there's reasons for this order but when I try to explain he doesn't want to hear it. At least I broke him of the habit of putting very sharp knives in the sink, hidden under the suds, then asking me to finish up the dishes. I do appreciate that he did some of the dishes, but I guess I'm kinda irked because I wash them all the time plus make dinner.
One things I really did appreciate is that he washed and changed the sheets on our bed last night. I hate making the bed- I'm a little short and to tuck the sheets in I have to crawl across the bed. He just leans over and can reach. I did help a little but I suppose it's only fair. What I didn't really appreciate it how he kept pointing out that the mattress pad was dirtier on my side of the bed. While I think it's from the self-tanner I use (because I'm an unattractive fishbelly white naturally) he kept saying it's because I'm in bed more than he is. Yeah.....and I'm just that much dirtier.
I do end up doing more of the household chores than he does, but for now I consider it mostly fair. While I was in school and working a part-time job, I was home more often. Now that I don't have a job I'm pretty much home all the time. I've made it clear, however, that I expect the division of labor to change immensely once I get a full-time position. Lets see what he can turn out for dinner or how he likes scrubbing down the bathtub and sink.
If he runs to the store, he'll get me a soda or candy or some other treat. While I appreciate what he's trying to do, it's diet sabotage. I like to think he doesn't realize he's doing it, and since I brought up the subject he's been much better about not getting me sweet things. However, he still gets himself candy or ice cream and then proceeds to eat it in front of me. Torture.
Last night he started doing the dishes. He didn't do a whole lot of them and I finished them up, but he tried. Because I'm kinda OCD I don't like having him start the dishes, because I do things in a very specific order. Granted, there's reasons for this order but when I try to explain he doesn't want to hear it. At least I broke him of the habit of putting very sharp knives in the sink, hidden under the suds, then asking me to finish up the dishes. I do appreciate that he did some of the dishes, but I guess I'm kinda irked because I wash them all the time plus make dinner.
One things I really did appreciate is that he washed and changed the sheets on our bed last night. I hate making the bed- I'm a little short and to tuck the sheets in I have to crawl across the bed. He just leans over and can reach. I did help a little but I suppose it's only fair. What I didn't really appreciate it how he kept pointing out that the mattress pad was dirtier on my side of the bed. While I think it's from the self-tanner I use (because I'm an unattractive fishbelly white naturally) he kept saying it's because I'm in bed more than he is. Yeah.....and I'm just that much dirtier.
I do end up doing more of the household chores than he does, but for now I consider it mostly fair. While I was in school and working a part-time job, I was home more often. Now that I don't have a job I'm pretty much home all the time. I've made it clear, however, that I expect the division of labor to change immensely once I get a full-time position. Lets see what he can turn out for dinner or how he likes scrubbing down the bathtub and sink.
Clear the air
One thing I've been pretty irked by lately is my husband's habit of passing gas while I'm in the room. It isn't a little thing either- he leans to one side and lets it loose with an expression of satisfaction on his face. It wouldn't bother me so much also if it were a once-in-a-while sort of thing. Yeah, it happens multiple times every evening while we're together.
I just wonder a couple things- 1) How can someone be so gassy all the time and 2) How can someone have so little control over it? I've politely asked him to stop farting all the time around me, because nothing kills the libido quite like it. He's been making an effort lately, but a few farts slip past him. We've tried Gas-X, all sorts of stuff like that. Nothing really works, and he refuses to even consider changing his diet.
It'll be interesting to see how long his restraint will last. His pattern is to attempt to fix something then, when I've appeared to forget about it, return to old habits. I really don't think asking him to hold it in around me is too much to ask. Shouldn't I get at least the respect he gives other people? I do try not to get offended when he farts on me in bed. I mean, he can't control it when he's asleep, right?
I just wonder a couple things- 1) How can someone be so gassy all the time and 2) How can someone have so little control over it? I've politely asked him to stop farting all the time around me, because nothing kills the libido quite like it. He's been making an effort lately, but a few farts slip past him. We've tried Gas-X, all sorts of stuff like that. Nothing really works, and he refuses to even consider changing his diet.
It'll be interesting to see how long his restraint will last. His pattern is to attempt to fix something then, when I've appeared to forget about it, return to old habits. I really don't think asking him to hold it in around me is too much to ask. Shouldn't I get at least the respect he gives other people? I do try not to get offended when he farts on me in bed. I mean, he can't control it when he's asleep, right?
Thursday, June 28, 2007
I just don't know
Yesterday my husband did two things that really bother me. I don't know if I'm overreacting, if I'm looking for things to be upset about or if these are truly dealbreakers.
First of all, he commented that if we had lived together before marriage we probably wouldn't have gotten married at all. We moved in together two months before the wedding, but since my job took me out of town a lot that summer I wasn't home very often. When he asked me my opinion, I said that I thought we still would have gotten married. And I do think we would have- if we'd only been living together for a year, during which time we were engaged. It took me a little more than a year to be truly unhappy and planning for a wedding is very distracting.
Then, when we were out and about, he basically committed an act of road rage. Going down a road, a person in front of us was driving very slowly. Since we couldn't pass, we were stuck behind them. When we came to a red light, the person took a right. As they were turning, my husband pulled up in the next lane, rolled down my window and bellowed "Asshole!" This was not acceptable to me. I voiced my opinion rather loudly and perhaps too harshly, but since I've made my feelings known in the past I didn't know if my point was getting across.
The first thing hurt a lot. I don't know if he was saying that I would have called off the wedding or that he would have, but either way I thought it was an unneccesary thing to say. He says hurtful things quite often, and usually claims that he didn't realize they were cruel. Just because something is true doesn't mean it needs to come out of your mouth. The second things shows a capacity for violence and anger that frightens me a little. Whenever he yells like that, whether it's at me or someone else, it upsets me a lot. I get so tense that sometimes I start shaking. After this particular incident, he continued the conversation like nothing had happened, but I just couldn't.
I think what bothers me the most is that these are recurring incidents. He does something like this, I make it clear that I do not care for it, he apologizes.....and then it happens again. While I know that things I do make him unhappy, I do try to change them. I feel like he isn't even making an effort.
First of all, he commented that if we had lived together before marriage we probably wouldn't have gotten married at all. We moved in together two months before the wedding, but since my job took me out of town a lot that summer I wasn't home very often. When he asked me my opinion, I said that I thought we still would have gotten married. And I do think we would have- if we'd only been living together for a year, during which time we were engaged. It took me a little more than a year to be truly unhappy and planning for a wedding is very distracting.
Then, when we were out and about, he basically committed an act of road rage. Going down a road, a person in front of us was driving very slowly. Since we couldn't pass, we were stuck behind them. When we came to a red light, the person took a right. As they were turning, my husband pulled up in the next lane, rolled down my window and bellowed "Asshole!" This was not acceptable to me. I voiced my opinion rather loudly and perhaps too harshly, but since I've made my feelings known in the past I didn't know if my point was getting across.
The first thing hurt a lot. I don't know if he was saying that I would have called off the wedding or that he would have, but either way I thought it was an unneccesary thing to say. He says hurtful things quite often, and usually claims that he didn't realize they were cruel. Just because something is true doesn't mean it needs to come out of your mouth. The second things shows a capacity for violence and anger that frightens me a little. Whenever he yells like that, whether it's at me or someone else, it upsets me a lot. I get so tense that sometimes I start shaking. After this particular incident, he continued the conversation like nothing had happened, but I just couldn't.
I think what bothers me the most is that these are recurring incidents. He does something like this, I make it clear that I do not care for it, he apologizes.....and then it happens again. While I know that things I do make him unhappy, I do try to change them. I feel like he isn't even making an effort.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Rugrats
One of the things that really has me anguishing is the question of children. We both agree that we don't want children right now- neither of us feels ready for them. What I'm starting to wonder is if I'll ever be ready for them. Since I can barely take care of myself, why should I think it's a good idea to make a little me?
I've talked about having kids with my husband before. He's all for it- wants to have a whole bunch of them, or at least two. I want two at the most. I also wouldn't mind adopting, while he's adamant that they must be of his own blood. I think he'd be a great father, since he's really good with children. I'm not so sure of my own qualifications. I don't have a whole lot of patience, not even for adults.
My own mother was a stay-at-home mom, which I appreciated very much. Watching her interact with children is amazing. She uses everything as a teaching moment and is excellent at discipline. I, on the other hand, could never stay at home with kids. Even my own mother agrees that I'd have to have a job and my own life outside of the house.
When I planned for my life, my focus was always on my career. What I would do, the education I would achieve, these were my thoughts. I guess I pretty much assumed that I would get married and have kids, but I hadn't planned on it. After a lot of thought, I decided that if I did get married and have kids, it would be because it was something that just happened. It wasn't one of my goals and if it didn't happen I would be happy as well.
Now I wonder if I would be happier without kids. I just don't feel any wish to be pregnant and take care of some screaming little spawn. I know they say you love them when you have them, but I worry. I also feel that if I can't devote myself to a child and give it the best that I can, then I just shouldn't have any. And maybe I shouldn't.
I've talked about having kids with my husband before. He's all for it- wants to have a whole bunch of them, or at least two. I want two at the most. I also wouldn't mind adopting, while he's adamant that they must be of his own blood. I think he'd be a great father, since he's really good with children. I'm not so sure of my own qualifications. I don't have a whole lot of patience, not even for adults.
My own mother was a stay-at-home mom, which I appreciated very much. Watching her interact with children is amazing. She uses everything as a teaching moment and is excellent at discipline. I, on the other hand, could never stay at home with kids. Even my own mother agrees that I'd have to have a job and my own life outside of the house.
When I planned for my life, my focus was always on my career. What I would do, the education I would achieve, these were my thoughts. I guess I pretty much assumed that I would get married and have kids, but I hadn't planned on it. After a lot of thought, I decided that if I did get married and have kids, it would be because it was something that just happened. It wasn't one of my goals and if it didn't happen I would be happy as well.
Now I wonder if I would be happier without kids. I just don't feel any wish to be pregnant and take care of some screaming little spawn. I know they say you love them when you have them, but I worry. I also feel that if I can't devote myself to a child and give it the best that I can, then I just shouldn't have any. And maybe I shouldn't.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Ink
If my husband ever finds this post, he'll definitely know who I am. See, he's got this odd little quirk. He claims he will divorce me if I ever get a tattoo.
Way back in '99, several of my friends were getting tattoos. I was considering getting one too and even found a design that I liked. I didn't want to do something I'd regret, so I elected to wait. I figured if I still wanted it in a few years it would be something I'd love my whole life. Well, a few years later I started dating my husband.
I still want the tattoo. A friend is getting another tattoo and I'm very tempted to go with her and get one myself. If it's not very big and in a discreet place, it won't be noticable to most people. That's how I want it- something that's private unless I choose to share it with someone.
Half the reason I want it is to push his buttons. If he really divorces me over something so petty as a tattoo, then I don't really want to be married to him. It'd be interesting to get it and see how long it takes him to notice.
Way back in '99, several of my friends were getting tattoos. I was considering getting one too and even found a design that I liked. I didn't want to do something I'd regret, so I elected to wait. I figured if I still wanted it in a few years it would be something I'd love my whole life. Well, a few years later I started dating my husband.
I still want the tattoo. A friend is getting another tattoo and I'm very tempted to go with her and get one myself. If it's not very big and in a discreet place, it won't be noticable to most people. That's how I want it- something that's private unless I choose to share it with someone.
Half the reason I want it is to push his buttons. If he really divorces me over something so petty as a tattoo, then I don't really want to be married to him. It'd be interesting to get it and see how long it takes him to notice.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Trust issues
I'm a little worried about the anonimity of this blog. The name on here isn't my name, isn't really close even. I just like the name Cady and think that it has a similar feel to my real name. I just want my blog here to be a place I can express myself without even thinking of the need to censor my opinions. I have another blog where my friends and family have access- I save all my funny stuff for that one.
What I'm really concerned about is my husband reading this. There's just been too many times, both in the past and recently, where I've written something specific which my husband either brings up or reacts to. For instance, I once told an AIM buddy that I was tired of missionary and would prefer a change of position, specifically to doggy style. Sure enough, the very next night he initiated that position. Every other time I've had to say that I want that position while we're having sex. There have been other incidents.
I don't think he's actually reading the blog. What I suspect is that he has some kind of program installed on my computer that captures keystrokes. It wouldn't be too hard- we have our computers networked and he's the administrator. I don't have a password on my computer so it wouldn't be difficult to install something when I'm not around. I expressed this concern to my IM friend and he sent me a link for security software for AIM. Now I have one person I can chat with and not worry about it being read.
He's hacked into my email before (with a good reason which I get into some other time) so I have a very hard time trusting him with anything on my computer. I already have to throw hissy fits to keep him from changing the setting to make things 'better'. I like having the taskbar at the top of the screen. And I do know how to change pretty much all the settings and have adjusted everything to my satisfaction. If he does have some sort of spyware installed, I'm sure he thinks he has a good reason. But I've already asked him if he's done that and he said no. I guess I don't entirely believe him.
What I'm really concerned about is my husband reading this. There's just been too many times, both in the past and recently, where I've written something specific which my husband either brings up or reacts to. For instance, I once told an AIM buddy that I was tired of missionary and would prefer a change of position, specifically to doggy style. Sure enough, the very next night he initiated that position. Every other time I've had to say that I want that position while we're having sex. There have been other incidents.
I don't think he's actually reading the blog. What I suspect is that he has some kind of program installed on my computer that captures keystrokes. It wouldn't be too hard- we have our computers networked and he's the administrator. I don't have a password on my computer so it wouldn't be difficult to install something when I'm not around. I expressed this concern to my IM friend and he sent me a link for security software for AIM. Now I have one person I can chat with and not worry about it being read.
He's hacked into my email before (with a good reason which I get into some other time) so I have a very hard time trusting him with anything on my computer. I already have to throw hissy fits to keep him from changing the setting to make things 'better'. I like having the taskbar at the top of the screen. And I do know how to change pretty much all the settings and have adjusted everything to my satisfaction. If he does have some sort of spyware installed, I'm sure he thinks he has a good reason. But I've already asked him if he's done that and he said no. I guess I don't entirely believe him.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Mother's little helper
I think I've pinpointed the reason my feelings started to change about my husband. For the first year of our marriage I was, if not precisely happy, content. I certainly wasn't unhappy. Yeah, we had some rough patches but we always worked it through. Then, last August I finally got treated for depression. I went on antidepressants and wow! the difference they made.
I was actually outgoing and cheerful instead of being shy and hiding in my room. I experienced a complete renaissance of my personality, returning me to the energetic person I remembered once being. Instead of passively agreeing to to my husband's ideas, I started to want to do things that I enjoyed. Did you know he actually thought I really loved sports and hunting? I like to do them occasionally but I'm not the fan he is.
He says I used to be a lot more fun. That was back when I would just do whatever he wanted to do. Now I'm actually insisting that *gasp* we sometimes do things I enjoy but that he isn't thrilled about. I want more than what we do now, and he's not willing to do it. I wonder if the whole 'I have pills so I'm happy with me but now I'm unhappy with you' is just another excuse, a cop-out to get out of my marriage.
I was actually outgoing and cheerful instead of being shy and hiding in my room. I experienced a complete renaissance of my personality, returning me to the energetic person I remembered once being. Instead of passively agreeing to to my husband's ideas, I started to want to do things that I enjoyed. Did you know he actually thought I really loved sports and hunting? I like to do them occasionally but I'm not the fan he is.
He says I used to be a lot more fun. That was back when I would just do whatever he wanted to do. Now I'm actually insisting that *gasp* we sometimes do things I enjoy but that he isn't thrilled about. I want more than what we do now, and he's not willing to do it. I wonder if the whole 'I have pills so I'm happy with me but now I'm unhappy with you' is just another excuse, a cop-out to get out of my marriage.
Shades of gray
It's hard to know what to do about my marriage. We had a really rough patch before Christmas. Then, his parents asked us to go on vacation with them in August. I wasn't sure I wanted to commit the money to a vacation when I couldn't guarantee we'd still be married by then. After a lot of thought, I agreed to give our marriage a real try for 6 more months, which will end in September.
It hasn't been easy. If I don't get mad at him, my husband thinks everything is A-OK and that he doesn't need to try. I vocalize how I feel and try to get him to talk about solutions. Unfortunately, that turns into "I do that? Well, YOU do THIS!", which isn't very productive. He also doesn't try to change anything until I'm so upset that I start crying. I progress from polite requests, to not-so-polite requests, to yelling, to suffering and then finally I start sobbing. If I cry it's because I'm at the end of my rope and just can't deal with it anymore. The process can last for months. He changes whatever it is that upsets me (bellowing at me out of the blue, grabbing me too hard, etc.) only as long as I'm visibly upset, then when I'm happier he goes right back to his previous patterns.
I'm just so tense around him right now. I keep waiting for him to be a dumbass or jackass or asswipe or asshole. Basically, if it has the word 'ass' in it then he's been it to me. This tension leads to me jumping on little things and getting disproportionately upset up about them, which I'm fully aware of but find very hard to stop.
I asked to go to marriage counseling. He said no, and opined that the reason our marriage isn't good right now is because I'm unemployed. Never mind that I spent four months working two part-time jobs, and before that I was in school full-time with a part-time job. Right now I'm looking for something in my degree. I'm not really understanding how my not having a job means he can be a jerk to me. I also don't get it that if this is the main problem (all my fault, naturally), then why were we having problems before the unemployment? I'll probably have a real job by September, and if he still acts the same I think I'm gonna have to insist on counseling or divorce.
Leading to another issue is, I don't really want to be divorced. I don't want the stigma. I am such a snob- it's just fine for other people to be divorced, but for me? God forbid! I didn't even realize I had such an issue with it until I started thinking seriously about it. Plus, I feel like I don't have a really clear-cut reason for divorce. I mean, what can I say? That he's not nice to me? I almost wish he would do something like hit me or cheat, just so I had a good reason and the onus for the decision wouldn't really fall on me.
Right now I'm not happy but I feel somewhat resigned. Oh, things aren't all bad. We do have nice times together and he does very sweet things for me. For instance, I hauled him to the mall with me tonight because I hate shopping on my own. Granted, I'm much quicker than most girls- in less than an hour we'd hit two stores and I'd bought Vicky's underwear, two pairs of jeans and two tank tops. But for him, that's a sacrifice and now I owe him.
It's so hard to decide how everything adds up. I think 'Oh, he'd be better off without me, so he can get a better girl' because honestly, I'm not easy to live with. Then I wonder if I'm simply rationalizing my wish to leave. Who knows.
It hasn't been easy. If I don't get mad at him, my husband thinks everything is A-OK and that he doesn't need to try. I vocalize how I feel and try to get him to talk about solutions. Unfortunately, that turns into "I do that? Well, YOU do THIS!", which isn't very productive. He also doesn't try to change anything until I'm so upset that I start crying. I progress from polite requests, to not-so-polite requests, to yelling, to suffering and then finally I start sobbing. If I cry it's because I'm at the end of my rope and just can't deal with it anymore. The process can last for months. He changes whatever it is that upsets me (bellowing at me out of the blue, grabbing me too hard, etc.) only as long as I'm visibly upset, then when I'm happier he goes right back to his previous patterns.
I'm just so tense around him right now. I keep waiting for him to be a dumbass or jackass or asswipe or asshole. Basically, if it has the word 'ass' in it then he's been it to me. This tension leads to me jumping on little things and getting disproportionately upset up about them, which I'm fully aware of but find very hard to stop.
I asked to go to marriage counseling. He said no, and opined that the reason our marriage isn't good right now is because I'm unemployed. Never mind that I spent four months working two part-time jobs, and before that I was in school full-time with a part-time job. Right now I'm looking for something in my degree. I'm not really understanding how my not having a job means he can be a jerk to me. I also don't get it that if this is the main problem (all my fault, naturally), then why were we having problems before the unemployment? I'll probably have a real job by September, and if he still acts the same I think I'm gonna have to insist on counseling or divorce.
Leading to another issue is, I don't really want to be divorced. I don't want the stigma. I am such a snob- it's just fine for other people to be divorced, but for me? God forbid! I didn't even realize I had such an issue with it until I started thinking seriously about it. Plus, I feel like I don't have a really clear-cut reason for divorce. I mean, what can I say? That he's not nice to me? I almost wish he would do something like hit me or cheat, just so I had a good reason and the onus for the decision wouldn't really fall on me.
Right now I'm not happy but I feel somewhat resigned. Oh, things aren't all bad. We do have nice times together and he does very sweet things for me. For instance, I hauled him to the mall with me tonight because I hate shopping on my own. Granted, I'm much quicker than most girls- in less than an hour we'd hit two stores and I'd bought Vicky's underwear, two pairs of jeans and two tank tops. But for him, that's a sacrifice and now I owe him.
It's so hard to decide how everything adds up. I think 'Oh, he'd be better off without me, so he can get a better girl' because honestly, I'm not easy to live with. Then I wonder if I'm simply rationalizing my wish to leave. Who knows.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Making the beast with two backs
I'm trying to remember the last time we've had sex. I know for sure we'd done it Memorial weekend, because the sauna at the cabin always makes me horny. The fact that I can't otherwise remember this bothers me a little. I don't know if it means I don't care if I have sex or if I don't miss it or if I'm just to angry at him all the time to be attracted to him. The last time I really felt like jumping him was when he came home from work with a headache, and all my tender taking-care-of-him instincts were aroused. Naturally I couldn't do more than give him a couple of kisses, because when he has a headache god forbid anyone should do more than simply touch him and sneak around so as to reduce the noises. I'd just like to point out that when I have a headache, a really debilitating one where I huddle in bed or on the couch in pain, he likes to grab my head or pull me up and swing me around and then say he forgot I have a headache.
The whole sex thing- it feels kinda complicated. Like, I'd like to have sex. I like sex. I don't really have too many issues attached to it, which probably led to my having sex earlier with a few boyfriends than was good for the relationship. I'm just enthusiastic about it, because it's a good time. But I don't necessarily want to have sex with my husband. I want to have sex, and if he's around then OK, I'll have sex with him. Yet I don't look at him and think "I gotta get me some of that". He does not cause me to want to have sex, but if I want sex he's really my only choice right now, being married and all that. Not to mention that there probably aren't too many guys out there that I'm attracted to who are attracted back.
My husband and I, when we started dating I didn't feel 'the spark' for him. Looking at him didn't make me feel all funny inside and I didn't particularily want to jump his bones right away. He was there, he was obviously attracted to me, so I dated him. It wasn't until further down the road that I became very attracted to him. I was at this point when we got married, so I thought OK, you can learn to find someone sexy. Then in classes last fall this guy suddenly turned me on. We'd been in classes together before but I hadn't paid him much attention. He knew I existed but that was it. But comparing the crush I felt for him to the best I had felt for my husband ever.....it made our marriage seem really boring. I mean, the best sex we ever had was 'kinda good' sex. Never great sex, never smoking red-hot sex.
He doesn't seem to put much effort into it, which is probably why I've given up doing anything but throwing my legs in the air. He's never gone down on me, he's only touched my labia a few times (probably by accident). I've made it very clear that that is the reason I've given up on blowjobs unless I really feel like giving them. I tired of putting effort into something and have my efforts belittled or taken for granted. I know you don't give something to someone you love with an expectation of a return, but if you give and give and never get......eventually you stop wanting to give.
The whole sex thing- it feels kinda complicated. Like, I'd like to have sex. I like sex. I don't really have too many issues attached to it, which probably led to my having sex earlier with a few boyfriends than was good for the relationship. I'm just enthusiastic about it, because it's a good time. But I don't necessarily want to have sex with my husband. I want to have sex, and if he's around then OK, I'll have sex with him. Yet I don't look at him and think "I gotta get me some of that". He does not cause me to want to have sex, but if I want sex he's really my only choice right now, being married and all that. Not to mention that there probably aren't too many guys out there that I'm attracted to who are attracted back.
My husband and I, when we started dating I didn't feel 'the spark' for him. Looking at him didn't make me feel all funny inside and I didn't particularily want to jump his bones right away. He was there, he was obviously attracted to me, so I dated him. It wasn't until further down the road that I became very attracted to him. I was at this point when we got married, so I thought OK, you can learn to find someone sexy. Then in classes last fall this guy suddenly turned me on. We'd been in classes together before but I hadn't paid him much attention. He knew I existed but that was it. But comparing the crush I felt for him to the best I had felt for my husband ever.....it made our marriage seem really boring. I mean, the best sex we ever had was 'kinda good' sex. Never great sex, never smoking red-hot sex.
He doesn't seem to put much effort into it, which is probably why I've given up doing anything but throwing my legs in the air. He's never gone down on me, he's only touched my labia a few times (probably by accident). I've made it very clear that that is the reason I've given up on blowjobs unless I really feel like giving them. I tired of putting effort into something and have my efforts belittled or taken for granted. I know you don't give something to someone you love with an expectation of a return, but if you give and give and never get......eventually you stop wanting to give.
Monday, June 18, 2007
House
Recently I had a sex dream. I have these periodically. They're never about my husband and the sex in them is always great, much better than I get in real life. However, this last one was strange. I dreamed I was having sex with Hugh Laurie as his character House. Go figure.
I wasn't particularly attracted to him. I mean, there's nothing wrong with him- he's not ugly or anything but I just didn't feel it for him. I was pretty embarassed initially, but now I can't watch that TV show without flashing back to my dream. I find myself searching the TV schedule for reruns of House, since there won't be any new episodes until fall. The whole thing is just weird. I mean, I've heard about being attracted to someone because you have great physical chemistry, but how can you have chemistry with someone who you've only had contact with in a random dream?
I wasn't particularly attracted to him. I mean, there's nothing wrong with him- he's not ugly or anything but I just didn't feel it for him. I was pretty embarassed initially, but now I can't watch that TV show without flashing back to my dream. I find myself searching the TV schedule for reruns of House, since there won't be any new episodes until fall. The whole thing is just weird. I mean, I've heard about being attracted to someone because you have great physical chemistry, but how can you have chemistry with someone who you've only had contact with in a random dream?
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Ego boost
Ok, I depressed myself with that post. It was honest but still not happy-making. To give myself a some warm fuzzies, I'll list the things I like about myself:
1) I'm intelligent. On most standardized tests I come in at the 99th percentile. Considering how many people there are in the world, that isn't really that select of a group but it's still nice. Obviously I'm not particularly modest about it. However, despite all attempts I cannot get a genius IQ. Boo. I'm not particularly street smart, so my noggin stuffed full of grey stuff is used mostly in academic settings.
2) I think I'm a nice, good person. I try to do the right thing, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and I just try to be nice to all people I meet. Some folks make it damn hard to be nice to them, but in that case I just try to be civil. I try, which is more than most people can say.
3) I play by the rules. I try to understand the reasoning behind the rules and if it makes sense I follow them. It's only fair that if there's a line for something and lots of people have been waiting before you got there, that you wait too. Budding in front isn't nice. I mean, I speed, I drank underage, and I once got too much change back and didn't return it. *gasp* I know , I'm a real rebel. That's pretty much all the illegal things I've done.
4) I like to laugh. I can find humor in just about every situation, even if it's just a bitter, black sort of humor. I like to tell and hear jokes. I like to smile and just be cheerful, which can be hard since I'm pretty hardcore cynical sometimes.
5) Finally, I'm a natural blue-eyed blonde, with a great rack. It's funny that even though I'm pretty overweight I still get guys talking to my chest (See? Humor in a possibly aggravating situation!) Plus I get the sick satisfaction of thinking 'Bleach much, ladies?' when I see some scrawny platinum bobble-heads.
Of the things listed above, I think my husband likes the rack first, the laughing second and the intelligence third.
1) I'm intelligent. On most standardized tests I come in at the 99th percentile. Considering how many people there are in the world, that isn't really that select of a group but it's still nice. Obviously I'm not particularly modest about it. However, despite all attempts I cannot get a genius IQ. Boo. I'm not particularly street smart, so my noggin stuffed full of grey stuff is used mostly in academic settings.
2) I think I'm a nice, good person. I try to do the right thing, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and I just try to be nice to all people I meet. Some folks make it damn hard to be nice to them, but in that case I just try to be civil. I try, which is more than most people can say.
3) I play by the rules. I try to understand the reasoning behind the rules and if it makes sense I follow them. It's only fair that if there's a line for something and lots of people have been waiting before you got there, that you wait too. Budding in front isn't nice. I mean, I speed, I drank underage, and I once got too much change back and didn't return it. *gasp* I know , I'm a real rebel. That's pretty much all the illegal things I've done.
4) I like to laugh. I can find humor in just about every situation, even if it's just a bitter, black sort of humor. I like to tell and hear jokes. I like to smile and just be cheerful, which can be hard since I'm pretty hardcore cynical sometimes.
5) Finally, I'm a natural blue-eyed blonde, with a great rack. It's funny that even though I'm pretty overweight I still get guys talking to my chest (See? Humor in a possibly aggravating situation!) Plus I get the sick satisfaction of thinking 'Bleach much, ladies?' when I see some scrawny platinum bobble-heads.
Of the things listed above, I think my husband likes the rack first, the laughing second and the intelligence third.
Friday, June 15, 2007
Fair's fair
Things I don't like about myself but want to work on:
1) I'm overweight. By a good bit. I do want to lose weight but since I don't deal well with stress it's hard to concentrate on eating. Plus I get stuck in this whole I-hate-myself-so-I-eat-so-I hate-myself-because-I-eat-so-I-hate-myself cycle. For a while I had a really good exercise thing going on where I was jogging a few times a week, doing sit-ups, etc. It wasn't perfect but it was a start. But my husband isn't very supportive of my exercise attempts, laughing at me if I do a tae-bo video or something where he can see me. Plus he brings me home food that is bad for me. And insists on keeping junk food around the house because if I eat something chocolate that's right in front of me, it's MY fault, right?
2) I talk too much. I chatter on and on and don't let people have a fair chance to talk. While I genuinely want to know about other people and how their life is, care about the outcomes of big events, etc., I don't ask often enough nor do I listen long enough. I think my other blog is helping because then my friends can read about stuff when they have free time and I can't tell them about it in person because they already know about it. Cuts down on the amount of anecdotes I think everyone needs to know. I just wish I could be a kinder person, one who remembers everyone's birthday and sends them a card during a hard time wishing them luck and happiness.
3) Depression. I'm on Prozac and boy do I love the stuff. It's made a huge difference and I'm a lot worse without it, but lately I've been a little depressed anyway. There are things that have gone on in my life that are completely valid reasons for being unhappy and depressed. I'm not happy in my marriage- if that doesn't lead to depression, tell me what does. Someone close to me died last March. It's the first time I've ever had someone I deeply cared die, so I'm still dealing with that and the newness of it. I just want to get my personality back, be the girl who wanted to do things and go places instead of huddling in bed or in front of the TV all day (and of course that has nothing to do with my weight problem!).
4) As I mentioned before, I don't deal with stress well. In fact, I'm a anal-retentive, OCD sorta gal. My friends comment on it, my mom tells stories that show how this tendancy first popped up in my childhood, and it makes me stress easily. I do NOT like it if things aren't done right, and by right I mean my way. If a towel isn't hung correctly, my books aren't in the proper order on the shelf, or I don't have the right kind of pen- these all bother me out of proportion. I am aware of this tendancy and do my best to relax about things that don't matter, or to just not notice things that would upset me. I'd like to be more relaxed. I'd also like to not react to stress with insomnia. I like to sleep. I think I'm one of those people who need around 10 hours of sleep a night, because with 8 I'm wiped all day. Not sleeping most of the night because of stress is a bad thing. Yet another thing to attempt to solve.
5) I get loud and shrill. On caffeine I get boisterous and obnoxious. I have moments of extreme immaturity, competitiveness, or I take things too seriously. I am very forgetful. I procrastinate. All little things that make me human, but when I catalog them my flaws seems so monumental as to not be able to deal with them.
What I'd like to be is one of those calm, in-control, elegant women. And I have moments like that- I'd just like to be like that most of the time, with the ability to let loose and be silly. As it is, the best I can hope for is cute like a bouncy puppy and just as friendly.
1) I'm overweight. By a good bit. I do want to lose weight but since I don't deal well with stress it's hard to concentrate on eating. Plus I get stuck in this whole I-hate-myself-so-I-eat-so-I hate-myself-because-I-eat-so-I-hate-myself cycle. For a while I had a really good exercise thing going on where I was jogging a few times a week, doing sit-ups, etc. It wasn't perfect but it was a start. But my husband isn't very supportive of my exercise attempts, laughing at me if I do a tae-bo video or something where he can see me. Plus he brings me home food that is bad for me. And insists on keeping junk food around the house because if I eat something chocolate that's right in front of me, it's MY fault, right?
2) I talk too much. I chatter on and on and don't let people have a fair chance to talk. While I genuinely want to know about other people and how their life is, care about the outcomes of big events, etc., I don't ask often enough nor do I listen long enough. I think my other blog is helping because then my friends can read about stuff when they have free time and I can't tell them about it in person because they already know about it. Cuts down on the amount of anecdotes I think everyone needs to know. I just wish I could be a kinder person, one who remembers everyone's birthday and sends them a card during a hard time wishing them luck and happiness.
3) Depression. I'm on Prozac and boy do I love the stuff. It's made a huge difference and I'm a lot worse without it, but lately I've been a little depressed anyway. There are things that have gone on in my life that are completely valid reasons for being unhappy and depressed. I'm not happy in my marriage- if that doesn't lead to depression, tell me what does. Someone close to me died last March. It's the first time I've ever had someone I deeply cared die, so I'm still dealing with that and the newness of it. I just want to get my personality back, be the girl who wanted to do things and go places instead of huddling in bed or in front of the TV all day (and of course that has nothing to do with my weight problem!).
4) As I mentioned before, I don't deal with stress well. In fact, I'm a anal-retentive, OCD sorta gal. My friends comment on it, my mom tells stories that show how this tendancy first popped up in my childhood, and it makes me stress easily. I do NOT like it if things aren't done right, and by right I mean my way. If a towel isn't hung correctly, my books aren't in the proper order on the shelf, or I don't have the right kind of pen- these all bother me out of proportion. I am aware of this tendancy and do my best to relax about things that don't matter, or to just not notice things that would upset me. I'd like to be more relaxed. I'd also like to not react to stress with insomnia. I like to sleep. I think I'm one of those people who need around 10 hours of sleep a night, because with 8 I'm wiped all day. Not sleeping most of the night because of stress is a bad thing. Yet another thing to attempt to solve.
5) I get loud and shrill. On caffeine I get boisterous and obnoxious. I have moments of extreme immaturity, competitiveness, or I take things too seriously. I am very forgetful. I procrastinate. All little things that make me human, but when I catalog them my flaws seems so monumental as to not be able to deal with them.
What I'd like to be is one of those calm, in-control, elegant women. And I have moments like that- I'd just like to be like that most of the time, with the ability to let loose and be silly. As it is, the best I can hope for is cute like a bouncy puppy and just as friendly.
I don't wave my boobs around!
Hubby got home from work today. I was sprawled on the bed (the only cool place in the house) and we were talking while he changed out of his business casual. Suddenly, he's waggling his penis at me. Yeah, real sexy. Nothing says 'lets have sex' like waving your organ around.
My response?
"That's nice, dear."
My response?
"That's nice, dear."
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Origins
I'm doing this primarily to have a space to vent. You know how there's the classic imagery of a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other, both attempting to influence your actions? Well, I don't need the angel because I practically am. I firmly believe in being nice and giving people the benefit of the doubt. I'm not as nice as I could be but I'm just human. And cynical. However, every once in a while I think things that horrify even me, thoughts that I'm sure couldn't have originated in my brain. I think of this as a little devil whispering in my ear.
For instance, I once went out to eat at a all-you-can-eat chinese buffet. While we were eating, a couple of girls were seated next to us. One was quite large and suddenly the thought 'Bet she gets her money's worth' popped into my head. I was appalled at myself for thinking this on several levels. One, because it's just not a nice thing to think, even in the privacy of your own head. Two, I'm no twig figure myself. I'm actually quite overweight. The hypocrisy of the thought! Even worse, when I later shared the thought with my husband he assured me I wasn't nearly as fat as this girl and therefore the thought was valid. For a moment I actually felt better, which is terrible.
And you know, if I think these things, then can you imagine what people who are more selfish and cruel than I am think? I find the whole thing horrible to contemplate. I guess I don't have much faith in humanity, but I want to believe that people can try to just be nice in general. To paraphrase Douglas Adams, two thousand years after a guy was killed for suggesting we could all be nice for a change, I wonder if things have gotten better.
I bet what will happen with this blog is I will use it as a forum to articulate my innermost thoughts, mostly the ones I'm ashamed of having. I'll bitch about my husband quite a bit, which isn't hard as he gives me material for it just about every day. I find that having to put my thoughts in writing forces me to have to solidfy my opinions. I'll also record the stuff I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone but is too funny to keep to myself. Since I'm gonna try to be honest about myself, I'm sure I'll be portrayed in an unflattering light.
Yes, I could do all this on my computer and save the files for later reading under a password. But that wouldn't satisfy my inner exhibitionist, the one who would love to hear what people think of me. I'm sure I'll get plenty of negative opinions but believe me, you can't say anything about me that's worse than what I've thought about myself. Low self-esteem sucks.
Happy reading.
For instance, I once went out to eat at a all-you-can-eat chinese buffet. While we were eating, a couple of girls were seated next to us. One was quite large and suddenly the thought 'Bet she gets her money's worth' popped into my head. I was appalled at myself for thinking this on several levels. One, because it's just not a nice thing to think, even in the privacy of your own head. Two, I'm no twig figure myself. I'm actually quite overweight. The hypocrisy of the thought! Even worse, when I later shared the thought with my husband he assured me I wasn't nearly as fat as this girl and therefore the thought was valid. For a moment I actually felt better, which is terrible.
And you know, if I think these things, then can you imagine what people who are more selfish and cruel than I am think? I find the whole thing horrible to contemplate. I guess I don't have much faith in humanity, but I want to believe that people can try to just be nice in general. To paraphrase Douglas Adams, two thousand years after a guy was killed for suggesting we could all be nice for a change, I wonder if things have gotten better.
I bet what will happen with this blog is I will use it as a forum to articulate my innermost thoughts, mostly the ones I'm ashamed of having. I'll bitch about my husband quite a bit, which isn't hard as he gives me material for it just about every day. I find that having to put my thoughts in writing forces me to have to solidfy my opinions. I'll also record the stuff I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone but is too funny to keep to myself. Since I'm gonna try to be honest about myself, I'm sure I'll be portrayed in an unflattering light.
Yes, I could do all this on my computer and save the files for later reading under a password. But that wouldn't satisfy my inner exhibitionist, the one who would love to hear what people think of me. I'm sure I'll get plenty of negative opinions but believe me, you can't say anything about me that's worse than what I've thought about myself. Low self-esteem sucks.
Happy reading.
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