Fair's fair

Things I don't like about myself but want to work on:

1) I'm overweight. By a good bit. I do want to lose weight but since I don't deal well with stress it's hard to concentrate on eating. Plus I get stuck in this whole I-hate-myself-so-I-eat-so-I hate-myself-because-I-eat-so-I-hate-myself cycle. For a while I had a really good exercise thing going on where I was jogging a few times a week, doing sit-ups, etc. It wasn't perfect but it was a start. But my husband isn't very supportive of my exercise attempts, laughing at me if I do a tae-bo video or something where he can see me. Plus he brings me home food that is bad for me. And insists on keeping junk food around the house because if I eat something chocolate that's right in front of me, it's MY fault, right?

2) I talk too much. I chatter on and on and don't let people have a fair chance to talk. While I genuinely want to know about other people and how their life is, care about the outcomes of big events, etc., I don't ask often enough nor do I listen long enough. I think my other blog is helping because then my friends can read about stuff when they have free time and I can't tell them about it in person because they already know about it. Cuts down on the amount of anecdotes I think everyone needs to know. I just wish I could be a kinder person, one who remembers everyone's birthday and sends them a card during a hard time wishing them luck and happiness.

3) Depression. I'm on Prozac and boy do I love the stuff. It's made a huge difference and I'm a lot worse without it, but lately I've been a little depressed anyway. There are things that have gone on in my life that are completely valid reasons for being unhappy and depressed. I'm not happy in my marriage- if that doesn't lead to depression, tell me what does. Someone close to me died last March. It's the first time I've ever had someone I deeply cared die, so I'm still dealing with that and the newness of it. I just want to get my personality back, be the girl who wanted to do things and go places instead of huddling in bed or in front of the TV all day (and of course that has nothing to do with my weight problem!).

4) As I mentioned before, I don't deal with stress well. In fact, I'm a anal-retentive, OCD sorta gal. My friends comment on it, my mom tells stories that show how this tendancy first popped up in my childhood, and it makes me stress easily. I do NOT like it if things aren't done right, and by right I mean my way. If a towel isn't hung correctly, my books aren't in the proper order on the shelf, or I don't have the right kind of pen- these all bother me out of proportion. I am aware of this tendancy and do my best to relax about things that don't matter, or to just not notice things that would upset me. I'd like to be more relaxed. I'd also like to not react to stress with insomnia. I like to sleep. I think I'm one of those people who need around 10 hours of sleep a night, because with 8 I'm wiped all day. Not sleeping most of the night because of stress is a bad thing. Yet another thing to attempt to solve.

5) I get loud and shrill. On caffeine I get boisterous and obnoxious. I have moments of extreme immaturity, competitiveness, or I take things too seriously. I am very forgetful. I procrastinate. All little things that make me human, but when I catalog them my flaws seems so monumental as to not be able to deal with them.

What I'd like to be is one of those calm, in-control, elegant women. And I have moments like that- I'd just like to be like that most of the time, with the ability to let loose and be silly. As it is, the best I can hope for is cute like a bouncy puppy and just as friendly.