Rugrats

One of the things that really has me anguishing is the question of children. We both agree that we don't want children right now- neither of us feels ready for them. What I'm starting to wonder is if I'll ever be ready for them. Since I can barely take care of myself, why should I think it's a good idea to make a little me?

I've talked about having kids with my husband before. He's all for it- wants to have a whole bunch of them, or at least two. I want two at the most. I also wouldn't mind adopting, while he's adamant that they must be of his own blood. I think he'd be a great father, since he's really good with children. I'm not so sure of my own qualifications. I don't have a whole lot of patience, not even for adults.

My own mother was a stay-at-home mom, which I appreciated very much. Watching her interact with children is amazing. She uses everything as a teaching moment and is excellent at discipline. I, on the other hand, could never stay at home with kids. Even my own mother agrees that I'd have to have a job and my own life outside of the house.

When I planned for my life, my focus was always on my career. What I would do, the education I would achieve, these were my thoughts. I guess I pretty much assumed that I would get married and have kids, but I hadn't planned on it. After a lot of thought, I decided that if I did get married and have kids, it would be because it was something that just happened. It wasn't one of my goals and if it didn't happen I would be happy as well.

Now I wonder if I would be happier without kids. I just don't feel any wish to be pregnant and take care of some screaming little spawn. I know they say you love them when you have them, but I worry. I also feel that if I can't devote myself to a child and give it the best that I can, then I just shouldn't have any. And maybe I shouldn't.