Origins

I'm doing this primarily to have a space to vent. You know how there's the classic imagery of a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other, both attempting to influence your actions? Well, I don't need the angel because I practically am. I firmly believe in being nice and giving people the benefit of the doubt. I'm not as nice as I could be but I'm just human. And cynical. However, every once in a while I think things that horrify even me, thoughts that I'm sure couldn't have originated in my brain. I think of this as a little devil whispering in my ear.

For instance, I once went out to eat at a all-you-can-eat chinese buffet. While we were eating, a couple of girls were seated next to us. One was quite large and suddenly the thought 'Bet she gets her money's worth' popped into my head. I was appalled at myself for thinking this on several levels. One, because it's just not a nice thing to think, even in the privacy of your own head. Two, I'm no twig figure myself. I'm actually quite overweight. The hypocrisy of the thought! Even worse, when I later shared the thought with my husband he assured me I wasn't nearly as fat as this girl and therefore the thought was valid. For a moment I actually felt better, which is terrible.

And you know, if I think these things, then can you imagine what people who are more selfish and cruel than I am think? I find the whole thing horrible to contemplate. I guess I don't have much faith in humanity, but I want to believe that people can try to just be nice in general. To paraphrase Douglas Adams, two thousand years after a guy was killed for suggesting we could all be nice for a change, I wonder if things have gotten better.

I bet what will happen with this blog is I will use it as a forum to articulate my innermost thoughts, mostly the ones I'm ashamed of having. I'll bitch about my husband quite a bit, which isn't hard as he gives me material for it just about every day. I find that having to put my thoughts in writing forces me to have to solidfy my opinions. I'll also record the stuff I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone but is too funny to keep to myself. Since I'm gonna try to be honest about myself, I'm sure I'll be portrayed in an unflattering light.

Yes, I could do all this on my computer and save the files for later reading under a password. But that wouldn't satisfy my inner exhibitionist, the one who would love to hear what people think of me. I'm sure I'll get plenty of negative opinions but believe me, you can't say anything about me that's worse than what I've thought about myself. Low self-esteem sucks.

Happy reading.