Shades of gray

It's hard to know what to do about my marriage. We had a really rough patch before Christmas. Then, his parents asked us to go on vacation with them in August. I wasn't sure I wanted to commit the money to a vacation when I couldn't guarantee we'd still be married by then. After a lot of thought, I agreed to give our marriage a real try for 6 more months, which will end in September.

It hasn't been easy. If I don't get mad at him, my husband thinks everything is A-OK and that he doesn't need to try. I vocalize how I feel and try to get him to talk about solutions. Unfortunately, that turns into "I do that? Well, YOU do THIS!", which isn't very productive. He also doesn't try to change anything until I'm so upset that I start crying. I progress from polite requests, to not-so-polite requests, to yelling, to suffering and then finally I start sobbing. If I cry it's because I'm at the end of my rope and just can't deal with it anymore. The process can last for months. He changes whatever it is that upsets me (bellowing at me out of the blue, grabbing me too hard, etc.) only as long as I'm visibly upset, then when I'm happier he goes right back to his previous patterns.

I'm just so tense around him right now. I keep waiting for him to be a dumbass or jackass or asswipe or asshole. Basically, if it has the word 'ass' in it then he's been it to me. This tension leads to me jumping on little things and getting disproportionately upset up about them, which I'm fully aware of but find very hard to stop.

I asked to go to marriage counseling. He said no, and opined that the reason our marriage isn't good right now is because I'm unemployed. Never mind that I spent four months working two part-time jobs, and before that I was in school full-time with a part-time job. Right now I'm looking for something in my degree. I'm not really understanding how my not having a job means he can be a jerk to me. I also don't get it that if this is the main problem (all my fault, naturally), then why were we having problems before the unemployment? I'll probably have a real job by September, and if he still acts the same I think I'm gonna have to insist on counseling or divorce.

Leading to another issue is, I don't really want to be divorced. I don't want the stigma. I am such a snob- it's just fine for other people to be divorced, but for me? God forbid! I didn't even realize I had such an issue with it until I started thinking seriously about it. Plus, I feel like I don't have a really clear-cut reason for divorce. I mean, what can I say? That he's not nice to me? I almost wish he would do something like hit me or cheat, just so I had a good reason and the onus for the decision wouldn't really fall on me.

Right now I'm not happy but I feel somewhat resigned. Oh, things aren't all bad. We do have nice times together and he does very sweet things for me. For instance, I hauled him to the mall with me tonight because I hate shopping on my own. Granted, I'm much quicker than most girls- in less than an hour we'd hit two stores and I'd bought Vicky's underwear, two pairs of jeans and two tank tops. But for him, that's a sacrifice and now I owe him.

It's so hard to decide how everything adds up. I think 'Oh, he'd be better off without me, so he can get a better girl' because honestly, I'm not easy to live with. Then I wonder if I'm simply rationalizing my wish to leave. Who knows.