Weight loss help

I find my weight somewhat humiliating. On one hand it doesn't bother me too much. Obviously. If it really really bothered me, I'd do something about it. However, I dislike knowing I look bad no matter how nice my hair or clothes are. Also, being out of shape is a problem. I can't do things I used to do without a thought. I'm incredibly lucky that I still have good blood pressure, strength and stamina. I think those have more to do with the fact that it wasn't until the last four years or so I've had a real weight problem, and the twenty-three years before that were spent in excellent shape.

I started on Alli this week. I don't like doing it, I feel like using it is an admission of defeat. This is something I've struggled with for a while, this idea that asking for or using help is saying that I'm not good enough. I've always felt that I should be able to do something on my own. That said, I'm using assistance. I'm cheating a little bit this first week. I'm scared of the side effects, so I'm only using the pill for one meal a day (I really only eat two a day). One big problem is I often don't sit down and eat an actual lunch but snack over the course of a few hours. If I sit down with a meal, I'll be stuff far short of the 15 grams of fat I'm allowed but then am hungry an hour later. I might try taking the pill with the fattiest part of my meal but spacing it out like I usually do.

Also, when I'm restricting my food, I'm so hungry in the evening before I go to bed and I CANNOT sleep when I am starving. In fact, now that I think about it I bet the snack I have before I go to bed is the equivalent of a third meal. I AM aware of what I eat, I just don't want to think about it too much. Plus, when I'm hungry I'm a cranky bitch, my hands shake and I get a headache. It's just so much easier to eat something like a hunk of bread with cheese than to deal.

What's also really really hard for me is watching my husband devour whatever he wants to, right in front of me. He used to yell at me for eating his snacks when they were the only bad food around, but wouldn't take them to work because he wanted to eat them here. For lunch today he had two big doughnuts. Yesterday we went out to dinner with my brother to a place that specializes in hamburgers and malts. Yeah, like I'm gonna eat a salad when my husband and brother are chowing down on nummy cheeseburgers. I'm conflicted about my cooking at home, too. If I cook food that is healthy that I find tasty, my husband complains and whines. If I cook food he wants, I always wind up eating a larger portion than I ought to.

Now that I've started with the Alli, perhaps I can get myself walking or otherwise moving around. I wish I hadn't told my husband about it. He tends to appoint himself the food police for me, even when he's getting chunky around the middle. I think I'm just gonna start cooking for ME, and he can feed himself nasty food as much as he wants to. The fact is, he eats fast food three or more times a week, while I eat fast food maybe once a month. It bothers me that I actually do eat much healthier than a lot of fit people I know. I guess it's just a matter of portion, which I have a hard time controlling.

I don't know if Alli will actually help with not absorbing fat, but I do think it will help with fat ingestions. If I've already taken the pill I won't dare eat more food or suffer the consequences.