No effort

Other than telling Rob the story of Saturday night and warning him that the new neighbor seems to have a thing for him, we didn't really have too much conversation Sunday night. He's planning to be out of town this weekend too and it doesn't bother me one bit.

Part of this is my resolve to just not try anymore. I used to put an effort into things- meals, activities, little special treats. I almost always got shot down in flames. To be fair, I don't think Rob intentionally tries to hurt my feelings but he almost always has something not-nice to say about my efforts or he rejects them. Even if I explain how I was trying to do something nice for him, I get the reaction equivalant of a shrug.

I kinda got pissed off at Christmas that I was putting effort into gifts and that he would get partial credit for it. I find myself unable to stop doing things that make US look good to other people. Him, though? He's on his own now. I'm just not gonna try. Well, at least that's what I say. I'm trying to not try, which is hard. My instinct is to try to show affection and love in things I do for him.

But now? The less I do, the less I get hurt and the less I care. I guess if I was truly worried about the state of our marriage I would care. But he's the one who really wants this. He's the committed one. Right now I feel like I could take it or leave it and don't care too much what happens. But the fact that I had to stop showing affection to protect myself within my marriage is awful.

It's been easier lately since he's been more cheerful. He still gets stressed and pissed off but he doesn't take it out on me as much. This is an improvement but it makes me wonder why exactly he's so happy when nothing's changed.