Marriage future

Tonight I flat-out asked my husband if he's afraid I'll leave him if I lose weight and become more attractive. My response was that my size wouldn't matter if I was going to leave. I don't think it reassured him much. However, it does explain why he used to sabotage my diet efforts.

I also laid out my plans for the future. I have a line on a job that I really hope I get. As a friend said, I can't really judge my marriage when our lives have been full of upheaval for the last year. I also think I can't fairly judge when I'm not employed. Part of my issue is how Rob has been treating me because he thinks I'm mooching off of him. It's not right, how he's been, but it's an easy fix too.

Once I have a job, I'll ask for marriage counseling. When I asked for it before, he said "We don't need counseling. Our problem is that you don't have a job." Him actually saying that hurt and shocked me so badly that I couldn't say anything. He now says he doesn't remember saying it. But if he doesn't have anything big to complain about and have as a reason for a dismissive attitude (although it's definitely not an excuse for his attitude), then I can judge fairly on what to do.

He keeps saying that me having a job will help with our future. But it's not our future he's thinking of, it's what he wants to do with his future. He hasn't changed his plans except to keep working at his job and not quitting out of the blue because he needs the money. He hasn't been offered any other jobs, so as of right now he doesn't have anything to complain about in that aspect. Basically, I'm putting off what I want to do so he can be happy and do what he wants to do. It might be fair if he wasn't making me unhappy in the bargain.

He pretty much knows now how I feel on these things. It's finally been brought home to him that I've stopped trying or really caring that much. I don't want to hurt him, but I don't care about helping him either. I guess as long as I don't actively complain he feels everything is A-OK. Imagine me heaving a gusty sigh.